What Happens in Termina, Stays in Termina
by StarrNight
Summary: A different and hilarious novelization of Majora's Mask. For real, serious Zelda nerds! Join Tatl, Link, Darmani, Mikau, and that Deku Thing as they travel cross-Termina on an epic adventure to find...well...they never really understood what they were looking for, honestly. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder how you got on THAT side of the internet again. Good times.
1. Prologue

_Hello, all. This story is indeed a sort of novelization…kind of. After I get a hold on it, you probably won't recognize it as the Majora's Mask that we all know and love. This first chapter seems ordinary, but it only gets better from here on. That's a promise. Keep reading and don't forget to review!_

_Starry _

**What Happens in Termina…Stays in Termina: Chapter One--Our Story Begins**

_In the land of Hyrule; there  
echoes a legend. A legend held  
dearly by the Royal Family that  
tells of a boy... _

_A boy who  
after battling evil and saving  
Hyrule, crept away from that land  
that had made him a legend... _

_Done with the battles he once  
waged across time, he embarked  
on a journey. A secret and  
personal journey... _

_A journey in search of a  
beloved and invaluable friend... _

_A friend with whom he parted  
ways when he finally fulfilled his  
heroic destiny and took his place  
among legends..._

The only sound heard in the forest was that of Epona's gently trotting hooves. A boy of twelve years sat astride, peering amongst the trees, searching for…something. About a foot off of the horse's path, behind a large tree, two fairies hovered in wait. As soon as the horse was right beside them, they gave each other a curt nod and darted out, startling the poor animal. Epona reared and emitted a high-pitched whinny. The surprised Link was thrown from the saddle, hitting his head rather nastily on the ground.

A strange creature scuttled out from amongst the forest growth. It seemed to be a deformed humanoid scarecrow-thing. It waddled over to the fallen Link and kicked him, just to make sure that he was truly out cold. Satisfied, the scarecrow-thingie, later to be known as Skull Kid, began to feel down his pockets and was rewarded with the appearance of a large blue ocarina. He blew a note into the instrument and laughed a resonating cackle. The smaller fairy flew over to him and stared at the prize.

"Oh, Skull Kid, please let me see it! Please?" The larger fairy scowled at his pleas.

"Leave him alone, Tael. You'll drop it or completely destroy it, like you did last time." She gave her little brother a stern glare. He quailed slightly under the fierce look, but repeated his query to the scarecrow-like Skull Kid. The two bickered back and forth until movement distracted them. Link was sitting up slowly, putting a hand to his head. The fairies tinkled a warning to the Skull Kid, who turned around slowly, unpleasantly surprised. Link looked at Skull Kid; the Skull Kid looked at Link. Suddenly Link lunged for his ocarina and the scarecrow-like child jumped onto the belated horse. The horse bolted and bore him away into a large portal.

Link immediately followed him, still weaving a bit from his fall. When he emerged into the other side of the darkness, the Skull Kid was waiting for him, floating on his side, tossing the ocarina from hand to hand. The fairies from before flanked him on either side, looking solemn.

"That horse of yours doesn't listen to a word that's said to it! I don't see why anyone would want to ride it. I did you a favor…and disposed of it for you." He leered evilly in the dim light. Link gave a start, horrified. The Kid laughed again, his jeers echoing in the chamber. "Now, what to do with you…?" He thought for a second, and then smiled. "Ah, I know." The Skull Kid flipped right side up and pierced the stillness with a loud, beastly screech.

Link's vision began to blur. A strange sensation started to creep up his arms, chilling him to the bone. He looked around and saw giant Deku Scrubs begin to close in on him; he screamed as they buried him, but no sound came out.

When he came to, Link looked up at the Skull Kid. The Kid was now laughing himself to death over…what? Link looked in the shallow pool of water that stood below the rock where he stood, only to be greeted by a face so very unlike his own! He had been transformed to a Deku Scrub! He now gave an audible whinnying sound, which served to incite even more laughter from both the fairies and the Skull Kid. The three began to float backwards, out of a door directly behind where they had hovered. The Deku boy scurried across the floor to give chase, but was stopped in his tracks by the larger fairy, who smacked his face numerous times.

Just before the door closed, Tael turned back and cried,

"S-sis!!" Link's assaulter turned and squeaked.

"Tael! Skull Kid! Wait for me!" She turned and hurried towards them, too late. The door fell sharply, cutting them off. She seemed to swell and then threw herself at the door. "WHAT THE OCTOROK? Skull Kid, you Goron backside, come back here right now! Take me with you, #$ it! Come BACK! Summoning bishop, don't you DARE leave me here with this fuzzle wizzen deku _thing_! If you don't return this +#& second I will hunt you down like a animal! Do you hear me? An ANIMAL! A rizzle frazzen ANIMAL!" She continued to spout more increasingly foul obscenities until she was nearly hoarse. Once it became clear that her brother was not returning for her, she whirled around to face Link.

Link was astounded. He had learned exactly 17 ½ new words, by way of her angry tirade. The fairy flew up to his face and shouted into it.

"What are you staring at? Is there something on my face?" When he didn't respond, she resumed a sense of decency. "Er, about that stuff…I'm…sorry. Okay? My name is Tatl. I'll be your friend now that I have been ruthlessly abandoned by that fo shizzle Skull Kid. Ohhh…he doesn't know what he has awakened." She said, fire again lighting up her eyes. Link had the sense to see that there was now no escape from this obviously unstable little critter and agreed telepathically.

You see, Link had never been able to talk himself. He directed his thoughts to something or someone around him, who translated it for him. Navi did this occasionally, but was usually too caught up in her own conspiracy theories.

Link and Tatl followed the Skull Kid's trail through the door into a large room filled with platforms. After much trial-and-error, Link succeeded in flying over to the next door by way of his flower-copters. He opened the door…and seemed to fall through time itself. Colors zoomed past his face, strange smells and feels were closing in on him, not unlike the sensation of changing to a scrub.

When his feet touched floor again, he was in a totally different place…a different world. He was inside of a large clock, or so it seemed. It appeared to be deserted. Link's first instinct was to panic and panic he did. Tatl was forced to kick him out of hysterics, propelling him towards the door. He put out his hand, but was stopped by a voice.

"You appear to have met with an _ugly_ fate, young one." Link turned to find a man dressed in purple, toting a monstrous pack, from which hung numerous masks of differing sizes and colors. His face held a kindly look and his hands were clasped almost pleadingly. "I believe I can help." Tatl looked skeptical.

"Oh yeah, mask boy? How?"

"If you return the precious item that was stolen from you, I can return you to your former shape." He said quietly. "The only thing I ask of you in return, is that you return that which was stolen from me." Tatl looked at Link; Link looked at Tatl. They both looked at the Happy Mask Man, who reciprocated the look as well.

"Alright, say we take this deal. What is it that you want?" Tatl asked.

"I want only the mask that is worn by that scoundrel. He and a couple of hideous, smart-aleck fairies stole it from me." Tatl again puffed up. After a few moments of self-containment, she floated back around Link's head.

"Deal." The Man smiled widely, and motioned towards the exit.

"Good luck, then, children." Link stepped up the stairs to the heavy wooden door. He put a hand on the worn wood and, with a quick motion, swung it open.

**-Dawn of the First Day-**

**-72 Hours Remaining-**


	2. Clock Town: The Town God Forgot

_I sincerely hope that you will enjoy this chapter to the extent of it's absurdness. A lot of credit goes to my brother for the ideas and inspiration to get this on paper. If possible, please leave me a review and tell me what you thought of it. Thanks!_

_--Starry_

**CHAPTER TWO: The Insanity Ensues**

The door opened to reveal a town. A bustling town filled with the sounds of the citizen's daily lives. There were workers running around with huge planks on their shoulders and there was a dog scurrying around barking at nothing. Link looked up at Tatl; Tatl looked down at Link.

"Let's…explore first, I guess. Maybe we'll find a way to get back your ocarina." Link nodded and stepped down off of the stairs. He was greeted by a growl to his left; a fuzzy white dog was baring its teeth. Link took the hint and scurried his deku butt out of there. Unfortunately, while running away from the animal, Link stepped on a large yellow flower that was sticking up out of the ground. Immediately a plump deku whizzed around the clock tower and buried himself down in the middle of the bloom.

"Why are you trying to steal my flower?" He asked indignantly. Tatl tried to explain.

"We weren't, we were--"

"Never mind that. Don't steal my flower." The deku interrupted.

"But we didn't, we--"

"Never mind that either. I'll sell it to you, though." He offered generously. Tatl was becoming irritated.

"We don't want to buy your stupid--"

"Yes you do."

"B-but I--"

"How much will you pay?"

"We are NOT going to--" The Deku began to interrupt her again, but she had dragged Link away by his ear.

The group entered the small area that housed the Laundry Pool, to check it out. All that was to be found was a frog and a pink fairy whizzing around. Link sent the message to Tatl that pink fairies were supposed to be healing and that he was going to catch it in his hat. Tatl agreed and they stalked the fairy for a few moments before leaping upon it and thrusting it into Link's green hat. It buzzed indignantly above his head.

The next region explored by our pair was West Clock Town. It was characterized by a long ramp leading to the top of the plaza. Tatl jingled her approval.

"I guess this is where you'll get all of your supplies, from the…one…shop….." She had finally taken a glance at the side where the shops should have been contained. Everything was boarded up, except for one small store. Opposite of this store was a bank, operated by a man in a tight green suit, who was leering at them. Tatl poked the boy in front of her. "You could start a bank account. We'll need rupees later." Link nodded and stepped up to the stand. The man looked pleased to see them.

"What would you like to do?" He asked them, the disconcerting grin still plastered on his face. "Are you here to deposit?"

Link nodded.

Instantly, the Banker stamped his face with a random Terminian number. When he opened his eyes, the banker's grin had widened and he was clutching the stamp lovingly. Tatl handed over the rupees to him and they turned to leave.

Link had hardly taken four steps when he heard a screech and was tackled by the green-clad man, who smacked his head with the stamp again and retreated to his stand to eye them hungrily. Tatl and Link looked at the Banker; the Banker looked at Tatl and Link. The Banker's eye left was twitching menacingly.

A quick look around in the top of West Clock Town unearthed nothing spectacular except another doorway, this one leading to North Clock Town. Tatl decided to visit East Clock Town before North, so they started heading down the ramp. Upon passing the bank again, the strange little man took a flying leap out of his shop and quickly stamped Link's face once more. He then scuttled back to his little seat and just watched them. This time, both eyes were twitching.

**-NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY-**

**-60 Hours Remain-**

Tatl pursed her lips and herded Link out of West CT and across South CT to reach the Eastern side. While marching through, a small store caught his eye. He looked up at Tatl; Tatl looked down at him.

"No Milk Bar for you!" She chastised, pulling his hair. He yelped silently and scowled. Another sign was hanging on the wall, advertising "Anju's Inn". Link motioned to it. Tatl tinkled ominously. "Why would we sleep in a comfortable Inn when there's nice cold ground out here? Besides, you gave all of your rupees to the insane banker. I am not going back to get it." Link pouted for a second, but stopped as soon as the fairy glanced his way.

As the pair was exiting East CT, they noticed a small boy with a golden bandanna on his head standing by a hole in the wall. He appeared to be guarding it. Tatl lead the way over to him.

"Hey, kid. What's in that hole behind your back?" The boy sniffed and stared up at her with blank eyes.

"Hordes of nuclear deku nuts." He replied unblushingly. Link raised an eyebrow. Tatl looked at the boy; the boy looked at Tatl. She turned around quickly and began to float away. Link followed, ignoring the boy's calls of, "Have a nice day."

Link liked North CT the best of all the quadrants. Little boys who looked eerily like the one guarding the hole in the wall were running around and trying to pop a big balloon emblazoned with Majora's Mask. Tatl scanned the area before turning to her charge.

"The Great Fairy is supposed to live around here. I suggest we go speak to her. She'll know what to do." Link nodded and began to scour the walls for hidden passages. Six minutes and a trip to a higher level won a cave in a wall. The two walked confidently into the darkness. Suddenly it lit up to reveal a magnificent fountain, filled with fluttering pink fairies. Link remembered the captive in his hat and swept it off of his head. The fairy flew away to join it's siblings. They crowded around it and began to spin, faster and faster until they exploded into a large woman in a nun habit. She looked around, located Link and smiled benevolently down at him.

"My child, my child. Thank you for restoring my broken body. The Skull Kid had scattered my pieces…I am in your debt. If I may, allow me to alleviate some of my goodness owed." Link nodded and she fished around in her habit for a long string of rosary beads. Once found, she lifted it to her face and began chanting over it. Link felt himself lifting off of the ground in a whirlwind of green…and…BAM! He had magic power coursing through his veins! Tatl clapped her hands happily.

"Finally! Now we can really get cookin'. Thank you, O Great Fairy. Your debt is paid." The Great Fairy bowed her head.

"You are too generous. I will take my leave now. Good luck, both of you. May Jahalla bless you." She disappeared slowly, leaving fluttering fairies circling the fountain. After stuffing two of them into his hat, Link ran out of the cave and down to the first floor of North CT. He looked around and began to climb up the stairs to a large stone slide. Tatl followed him up, protesting loudly.

"What, for Din's sake, are you doing on that slide? What are you, two? You are a big boy. Get down from there right now!" She started to pull on his hat. He took a few lazy swats at her, finally hitting his target and sending her whirling through the air and into the huge Majora balloon. It popped loudly, frightening the bandanna-clad little boys beneath it. Link slid down the slide with his hands in the air, dusted off his tights and strolled over to where Tatl was picking herself off of the ground. The boys intercepted him before he reached her.

"Hey, bub. Wassat you who blew up our balloon?" Link gulped and nodded. The main boy looked around at his cronies. "That was some pretty phat shootin', bub. You're alright. Hows about wese go show you the…merchandise? Waddya say, boys?" The skinny shrimps around him nodded confidentially. "It's a deal. Follow us, but dontcha dare make a sound, if'n ya value your life." He turned and swaggered off to the door leading out of Clock Town. The guard stopped Link at the door.

"Hey! You can't just leave Clock Town, kid! You have to have a good weapon. The Northern Mountains are no place for a child." The bandanna boy stepped up to the guard.

"Lissen heah, bub. He's wid us, now. Step aside." To Link's surprise, the guard meekly obeyed.

"Oh! Sorry, Mr. El Signor Ramon Antipatico De la Garza Jr. the Third, Sir! I wasn't meaning any harm! Don't do anything to me! Don't turn me into anything…unnatural." He bowed shakily. Mr. El Signor Ramon Antipatico De la Garza Jr. the Third (let's call him Ramon) haughtily stepped out the door, followed by Link.

**-Dawn of the Second Day-**

**-48 Hours Remain-**

He was led to a snowy clearing where the air smelled crisp and cold. Two of the boys disappeared momentarily, but returned bearing large crates. The crates were opened to reveal lots and lots of…deku nuts? Tatl sighed audibly.

"I knew that it was a hoax. Deku nuts? Please." Link reached his hand out to snag one, but it was promptly slapped by Ramon.

"I wouldn't be a'touchin' them nuts if I was yous. Do you know what dey are?" Link shook his head. "Dey's Nuclear Deku Nuts. It's an o-riginal recipe of our own design. Since you is such a good toss, hows about you try 'em out? If you kin hit dat tree over dere, we'll give you a supply of these here Nuclear Nuts. Hows about it, bub?" Tatl grinned.

"He'll do it!" She said loudly. She then suddenly retracted her hasty statement. "On second thought, I'll do it. It's best not to let him have things that cut, poke, burn, blow up or emit loud noises. Give me one." The bombers looked at each other skeptically.

"I'm sorry, Miss Shiny, dese Nuts is only for manly men--not little girl fairies." They informed her coolly. Tatl nearly choked on her own spit.

"Like who? You? Hah! Little twerps! I've seen manlier men at a Goddess's Secret fashion show! You? Manly? Pffft." When they stared at her coldly, she lowered her voice. "Listen here, creepies. Give me a Deku Nut or I'll steal one and blow your hideout to kingdom come. I'm small, but I'm silent as the grave." She whispered, getting right up in Ramon's face. He swallowed heavily.

"Eh…what harm kin be done by a girl? Let 'er have one of 'em." He said huskily. She picked a fat nut out of the box, took aim and threw the Nuclear Deku Nut into the dead center of the tree. One second later, a blinding flash of light cut through the air. The tree had been obliterated, leaving only a black circle of ash on the ground, as well as a didongo skeleton behind it where the poor creature had been resting. The Bombers were duly impressed, as much as they tried not to show it. "Pretty sweet shootin' sistah. I guess dat you're not that bad." Ramon complimented her. Wordlessly they trooped back into Clock Town while the cases of Deku Nuts were being hidden again.

"If'n yous evah want to git into our secret hideout, the numbah is 12345. Just tell Fabio that Ramon said to let yous in. Oh, and your new nickname is Sharkbait." He informed Tatl. "Welcome to the Bombers." He turned and strutted out of North Clock Town. Tatl smiled, proud of herself. The two began to move towards East Clock Town to visit the hideout, when a small man with a wrinkled face stopped them.

"OMG lyke its a fAiRy!!1!!11! U must b a fAiRy BoY!" He squealed. Link looked up at Tatl confusedly. Tatl looked down at him, listening to his telepathic communication.

"Of course you can't understand him, Link. He's speaking n00b. I can barely understand this particular n00bish accent." Tingle interrupted her.

"Lyke wat r u tallkin abowtt? Hey u whanna heere a cheet? OMG leike its totlly reel. Im gonning 2 tel it 2 u! OK OK OK OK reddy? Iff U lyk tak a fary and puttt it in lyke a botle wit leik a peiec of hart, tihs rEeLy BiG rOcK wille ilke spprinng owt of teh GROWND! Tehn u hite teh rEeLy BiG rOcK wihth leik a ruepee and IT TUNZR IN2 LEIK A KOHMPAS!1!!11!! Im lyk tottaly not liyyng! Tri it! OMG!" He danced and twirled while yammering this incredibly irritating monologue. After throwing multicolored confetti into Link's face, Tingle smiled. "Az lyk a tohkkn of ower freendzhipp, leik im totttly gongi 2 gihve u a map! I sel mapps 4 a johbb. U no U wahnnt 1! Wichh 1 due u wnat?" He pulled out a list of maps. They were as follows:

1). The LYKE FIDND TEH OMG tRYFOhRSE!1!!!11!!11 Map

and the

2). The ZOMG TrIfOoRsE!!!!one! Map.

Tatl examined them in disbelief. "What a waste of time. Let's get the first one, Link." She instructed him. Tingle grinned and twirled a few more times before handing a roll of toilet paper to the boy.

"OMG I ttllyy gohtt tath ppar frum teh Stokk-Poht Inn! U justt unrapp it, OK OK? Yeha im gna goe sell sum moer mpas nohw, OK OK? OMG, leik BYe!" He then skipped away merrily, throwing confetti as he went. Link stuffed the roll of toilet paper wherever it is that he stuffs all of his other items and exited North CT.

Tatl had a time convincing the golden-bandanna boy named Fabio to let she and Link into the hideout. Finally she pulled out a Nuclear Deku Nut and he stepped aside very politely, allowing them to run down the ramp into the hideout. As soon as they walked out into the open, a pair of strong hands snatched them into a room to the right.

When Link finally opened his eyes, he saw that he had been brought into a damp stone room in the presence of two shivering Deku Scrubs, Frodo Baggins and Jack Bauer. Jack stood up and shook Link's hand.

"Welcome, Link, Son of Adam! Welcome, Tatl, Daughter of Eve! We have come to reveal ourselves to you, finally. We feel that we must explain how we have come to meet you. You see, we are your secret agents (except for Frodo. I'm not sure why he's here. I think he likes the Chex mix.) and have been ever since Ocarina of Time. You really suck, Link. We did all those neat and heroic things. So don't be surprised if you see us pop up now and then. We do have to protect your image, after all! See you around!" Frodo waved feebly as Link and Tatl were thrust out of the room. Too shaken to explore any further, the two left the Bomber's hideout quickly.

**-Night of the Second Day-**

**-36 Hours Remain-**

Unsure of which way to go, Link began unrolling Tingle's toilet paper map. An hour later, he finally got to the last sheet and stared at it. Drawn in sharpie was a crude stick drawing of a Deku Scrub with long flowery hair. An arrow pointing to it said, "Lyk teh tRYFOHRS ISS IN TEH DEUK PIRNSESSES BAK POKKET!!!" Tatl groaned.

"Deku Princess's back pocket? Oh to heck with it."


	3. Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

_Wow. I haven't updated this in a very long time. Thank you so much to my reviewers!_

_**The Scarlet Sky, Momo-chan12, Hay Lin Rox, and Link Fangirl01 333333**_

_Enjoy reading as much as I've enjoyed writing!._

CHAPTER THREE: A Gay Guy, A Catfight, and a Very Reluctant Promise

Tatl decided to go back down the Bomber's hideout and explore what else lay in it's depths. Link reluctantly followed her, nervously looking around for any wayward Jack Bauer hands to snatch him into another secret meeting. But instead of finding secret councils, the pair found a ladder leading into a tunnel. Strange hypnotic music was playing from inside the tunnel. Drawn to the music, Link stumbled towards the sound. He led Tatl through many more tunnels and one large Majora balloon until they reached a plain wooden door. It was clear that the music stemmed from behind the door, so Link opened it eagerly.

Inside the circular room were many boxes and a staircase that wound around the walls to an upper level. The eye-popping and addicting thing about the room, however, was the fact that the walls, floor, staircase, railings and light fixtures were all painted in disco colors. The colors purple, red, blue, green, pink, yellow, lavender and orange wound their way around Link and Tatl's brains, dancing the swim before their eyes. If simply the mind-blowing hues weren't enough, somehow the colors had been fixed so that they _moved…_like a shimmying rainbow.

After drooling like idiots for a full ten minutes, Tatl and Link pulled themselves together and ran up the stairs. Actually, Link was still drooling. Tatl dragged him behind her. Waiting at the landing and peering into a giant telescope was a older man dressed in a draping blue robe. He finally tore his eyes away from the huge machine and inspected his visitors from top to bottom. Link wouldn't cease drooling until Tatl slapped him smartly across the face. "Focus, fool."

"Hello young ones." The man smiled a rusty, unused smile and motioned to his machine. "Would you like to take a peek? It's only ten rupees a go." He motioned for Tatl to join him on the sky-viewing platform below the telescope. She reluctantly accepted and flew up beside him.

"There's not much out tonight. Heck, even the stars are dull. What a waste of valuable rupees and my precious…wait…HEY! Isn't that my ex-boyfriend? Oh…never mind." She perused the skies for a few more minutes until suddenly she yelled, "Oh, oh, oh! It's the Skull Kid! He's on top of the Clock Tower! What's he doing up there?" Her train of thought was interrupted by the creepy old man pulling her down from the platform and informing her that she had only paid for five minutes of viewing pleasure.

"Sorry. I have to make my money too. Thank you and goodbye!" The man shooed her away even further.

Tatl jingled and turned to leave, but turned back before reaching the staircase. "Hey…I have one question for you." The old man looked apprehensive, but nodded. "Are you gay?"

"No! No! No! I am not gay! Why do people always ask me that? What in this house could possibly suggest that I am anything other than ramrod straight?" The old man suddenly exploded with rage, a vein pulsing in his temple.

Tatl raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at the funky hypnotic walls. "Oh, nothing. Just a hunch, that's all. Thanks for nothing, anyway. Come on Link." She flew down the stairs, followed by Link.

**-Dawn of the Final Day-**

**-24 Hours Remain-**

Jack Bauer made no more appearances as the pair left the Bomber's hideout. They ran out of the hideout and into South Clock Town. There he was, barely visible atop the Clock Tower, the Skull Kid. Link looked up at Tatl and Tatl looked down at Link. She shrugged, hearing his telepathic words in her head. "I have no idea how we're supposed to get up there. Maybe we should ask someone."

Link nodded and scanned the streets. Instantly a slender, redheaded woman carrying a basket caught his eye. He pointed one wooden finger at her and jumped up and down twice. Again hearing his telepathic communication, Tatl pulled a lock of his blonde hair until he squirmed with pain. "Isn't that just like you? Ah, well. Let's follow her." Looking as excited as a deku scrub could look, Link ran after the woman.

The redhead toted her basket into East CT and through the door of a building labeled 'Anju's Inn'. Link crept forward and cautiously entered the establishment. There she was…the beautiful girl…counting rupees in a drawer. The diminutive deku rushed heedlessly forward and pointed to Tatl. The woman looked up and smiled. "May I help you?"

"Er…yeah. I'm Tatl and this is Link."

"I'm Anju. How may I be of service?"

Tatl suddenly looked down at Link and pinched his ear. "Stop that!" She demanded of him. She then returned her attention to Anju. "We'd like to know how to get to the top of the Clock Tower."

Anju was mildly surprised. "Well…you can't until the New Year's Festival. Luckily for you, that festival is tonight. At midnight the door on the higher platform will open."

"Oh. How do you get to the higher platform?"

"I'm not sure."

Tatl was disappointed, but she smiled anyway. "Thanks." She began floating towards the door, but Link stopped her and began gesturing wildly. With obvious distaste, she turned back to Anju and said, "Er…and Link wants to know if you'll be his girlfriend."

"No."

Link drooped and left the Inn with his head down and his feet dragging. Tatl mouthed a thank-you at the attractive Innkeeper and followed her small charge. Once outside, Link seemed to take heart in the fresh breeze ruffling his hair. With a nod of satisfaction, he strode out into the square with ease. "I'm sure that was exactly it, Link. You were certainly too good for her anyway. My thoughts exactly." Tatl sighed and tried to ignore the stream of self-consoling thoughts coming from Link.

Three hours later, the pair was getting desperate about how to get up to the platform. They had run around the entire town twice and were now stopped in North Clock Town to catch their breaths. Tatl was about to begin cussing again when the fat Deku Scrub from before shot up out of a pink flower and began flying towards South Clock Town. "Hey, that's the annoying business scrub, right? He's flying! How'd he do that?" The fairy led Link through West Clock Town and into South Clock Town, just in time to see the scrub land on a large yellow flower.

They rushed up to him and he beamed as they neared. "Hello! Don't tell me…you're back to buy my flower?"

**-Night of the Final Day-**

**-12 Hrs Remain-**

"No, we're here to…"

"Fabulous! I'll give it to you cheap. How many rupees do you have?"

"Don't you start this again! I want to know how scrubs use these types of flowers."

The chubby scrub was crestfallen. "Well, it's simple. You bury yourself in it and then jump. It propels you into the sky and then you can brake by…hey, are you sure you don't want to buy it? It's the only way to reach the platform for the New Year's Festival…"

Tatl perked up immediately. "Really? Fine, we'll buy it. How much do you want?"

"Yes!" The deku scrub cheered loudly. "All I want is a souvenir to take to my wife. Do you have anything like that?"

"What kinds of things does your wife like?" Tatl glanced at Link, nervously, wondering what else could be found under his hat.

"She likes shiny stones…and famous people. You don't happen to know any famous people, do you?"

Minutes later, Tatl and Link were sloshing through the Bomber's hideout, searching for Jack Bauer. "Mr. Bauer? Mr. Bauer! We need you!" Tatl yelled until her throat hurt. "Where is he? WE HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS!" Suddenly, summoned by the key phrase, Jack Bauer came running up behind them, gun drawn.

"What is it?" He yelled, pointing his gun at Link, who began to sweat profusely.

Tatl squealed, "Great, you're here. Listen, we need you to sign something. It's for a big fan of yours."

Jack nodded and turned to Frodo, who was behind him and holding a large bowl of chex mix. "Do you have any paper?"

Frodo shook his head, but the shivering scrubs beside him each offered a sheet of notebook paper to Jack. The manly agent took it and pulled a pen from his pocket. With a flourish, he signed the papers and gave them to Tatl. "Here you go. Now hurry and deliver the package." He then motioned to Frodo. "Can I have some chex mix?"

"NO! It's mine!" Frodo opened his hobbit eyes wide and scrambled away from Jack. "My own! My precious!" He huddled over the bowl and glared at everyone in the room.

Jack was highly displeased, but waved at Tatl and Link as they left. "Remember…THERE IS NO TIME."

The corpulent deku scrub was thrilled when Tatl presented him with the signed papers. "Jack Bauer? My wife loves Jack Bauer! 24 is awesome! Did you see that episode when Jack finally killed Fayed? Amazing! Spectacular! Thank you so much! The flower is all yours." He bowed and jumped out the flower and into the sky, eyes glued to the signature on the paper.

Link looked up at Tatl. Tatl looked down at Link. "Now…we wait." She said. The sky was a seductive deep blue and stars were just beginning to twinkle. Tatl mused aloud to herself. "I wonder if when you die, you see the words 'GAME OVER' in front of your face…"

And so time passed. Finally, after thirty games of twenty questions, six games of hangman, eighteen games of rock-paper-scissors and five arguments, the New Years Festival began. Fireworks exploded in the sky and the giant brick ball on top of the Clock Tower fell backwards, moving the clock face upwards. The door on the high platform opened and revealed stairs. Tatl could just see the top of the Skull Kid's head on the very tiptop of the tower. "Link! Now's our time!" She pushed him down into the flower. He jumped and the flower propelled him up into the air. Somehow he obtained two large pink flower-copters, and the slight wind carried him towards the high platform.

"You do know how to stop, don't you?" Tatl asked. Link shook his head. "Idiot! Why didn't you ask? You're going to pass it and hit the wall! Idiot! Stop!" Suddenly gunfire broke out in the square, causing people to scream and duck. Jack Bauer took careful aim and shot a few more rounds into the air, effectively destroying Link's flower-copters. Link plummeted and hit the platform with a crunch. After giving Jack the thumbs-up sign, Tatl pushed Link through the now-open doorway.

They reappeared on the very top of the Clock Tower, standing on the clock's face. The first thing they saw was… "Skull Kid!" Tatl jingled.

"So…you found me." The garish figure tossed Link's ocarina up and down in his hand.

"No duh. You look like my ex-boyfriend from a distance, and trust me honey, that's no compliment," Tatl sniffed.

A second fairy flew out from behind the Skull Kid and yelled out Tatl's name. "S-sis!"

"Tael!" His sister screeched.

Skull Kid smacked the smaller, purple fairy and laughed. "Shaddup."

"Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. The four that are there, bring them here." Tael said solemnly.

"I said shaddup!"

"Quit talking to my brother that way, you goron's backside!"

"Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggern-wait. I'm the Skull Kid, wench! Ooh!" Skull Kid began to dance around, but was distracted as the angry fairy kamikaze dive bombed his face. Startled, he dropped Link's ocarina. Link watched his instrument drop with a horrified expression on his face. All was lost…until…

"NO!" Jack Bauer burst out of a patch of matrix and snagged the ocarina. With a deft movement of his wrist, he threw it to the green-clad hero, who caught it and stared at it questioningly. Above him, Tatl and Skull Kid were still struggling. "Play something!" yelled Jack. Link continued to stare at it. "Play, idiot!" With a look suggestive of Jack's utter rudeness, Link put the instrument to his wooden deku lips and tootled a few notes.

Nothing happened.

The deku scrub shrugged. Jack sighed, reached into his holster, and pulled out a large, shiny red button. With a look of resignation, he pushed it, and a Stargate appeared on top of the Clock Tower, complete with Dial Home Device. At the same time, the Alleluia chorus played pleasantly in the background. Grunting, he walked over to Link, picked him up by his hat and tunic, and chucked him unceremoniously through the gate. He also paused to pluck Tatl out of her battle before walking through himself. As soon as he was through, POP, the gate was gone.

Skull Kid wheezed a few choice words at the group before collapsing; cut, bruised, and bloody. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

To say that the Happy Mask Man was happy to see Link and Tatl's return would be an understatement. The two had miraculously gone back in time three days, thanks to the Stargate, and were now facing the purple-clad salesman with tired expressions. "Here's the ocarina, sir," Tatl said, prodding Link to hand it to him.

The Happy Mask Man nodded and went over to a large, fancy, wooden organ no one had noticed before. With the skill of someone who had been playing for years upon years, he began to play a beautiful, lilting song. Link felt himself go limp.

A thunk resounded around the small stone room and a mask not unlike Link's Deku face fell to the floor. Link opened his eyes and hugged his now-Hylian body. Yes, he was back to normal; complete with green tunic, blonde hair and stupid hat. The Happy Mask Man smiled at his exploring of his restored skin before asking: "Now where is that which was promised?"

Tatl stared at him. "Huh?"

"The mask. I told you to get the mask. You…you got the mask, right? You GOT the MASK, right? Right?"

"Link, did we get the mask?" Tatl asked. Link looked in his hat, pockets, and boots before shaking his head. "Ah. Nope. Sorry. Tough luck."

The Happy Mask Man stared at the two with an unfathomable expression on his face. Then, suddenly, he jumped at them. "WE HAD A DEAL! WE HAD A DEAL! WE HAD A DEAL!"

Tatl came really close to his face and said, "We are altering the deal. Pray we do not alter it any further." Yet the man continued to rage, hiss, spit and yell strangled curses until Tatl sighed, "Geez louise, man! Alright, alright, we'll get your stupid mask! Just _shut up! _Ai gavosh!"

Instantly the Happy Mask Man was all smiles again. "Okay. You have three days! Now shoo!" He pushed the two out of the clock tower and into the sunlight.

**-Dawn of the First Day-**

**-72 Hrs Remain-**


	4. Monkeys, In the Woods, with Poo

_Thanks for the reviews! It's been a looooong time since I updated. I know._

CHAPTER FOUR: Monkeys, In the Woods, with Poo.

"Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. The four that are there, bring them here," Tatl muttered over and over again. "What the heck does that mean?" Link shrugged his shoulders dumbly. "You're no help. Okay. Let's start at the very beginning…a very good place to start…" Link glared at her. She glared back. "Never mind. Swamp. Where's the swamp?"

When, of course, Link voiced no opinion, Tatl took it upon herself to search Clock Town for directions to the Southern Swamp. The townspeople, terrified at the very mention of the place, would shuffle away when asked, muttering about the age of their grandparents. Or something like that. The only people who had any information at all were the Bombers. "Sure ting, Sharkbait! Wese can tells yous where da Southern Swamp is," they all agreed, gazing at her adoringly. "It's in the South! Big swamp! Can't miss it!"

It was all Tatl could do not to blow the suckers sky high. After hours and hours of a grueling search, she returned to where Link had fallen peacefully asleep against a sign that said clearly: "SOUTHERN SWAMP THIS WAY ---- ." Angry beyond measure, she slapped Link awake and carted him out of Clock Town. "Why didn't you tell me you had found the sign at the very beginning?" She screamed.

Link shrugged.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHAT SIGN???'" Tatl bellowed. Again, Link shrugged. Tatl decided to give him the cold shoulder for a while (Link never noticed) and they continued down a slope and across Termina Field. Every once in a while, Link would spot a butterfly, chase it, or try to smack it with a deku stick, but he stopped when he decided he didn't like the fluttery feeling in his hat when he caught one.

All of a sudden, a shadow descended upon them and whisked away the green-clad lad's hat with a SWOOSH! Laden with its prize, the Tokkuri buzzard grinned an impish birdy grin. Link, feeling naked and alone, set down on the ground and began humming sad songs. Tatl immediately learned she hated the sound of his singing voice. Passionately. Trying to cheer him up did not work, pleading with him did not work, and even threatening him did not work. Finally she tried to bargain. "Okay! Okay! Listen! I'll get your frazzin' hat back, just….stop humming. Please." Link, having lost his hat, also lost his will to live, ignored her, and continued to hum the Titanic theme under his breath.

Tatl whizzed after the Tokkuri buzzard, cursing her lot in life. "I had such dreams when I was younger. And here I am, chasing a buzzard for a moron's hat. I feel like Mario." She caught up to the giant bird and grabbed hold of one of its tail feathers. The feather came loose with a nasty ripping sound. Letting out a shocked squawk, the Tokkuri buzzard wheeled around with an injured look on its face. "Yeah, that's right. I got your tail feather, you ugly creature."

"Brakk skrawkk srakk grak skrak," the buzzard screeched.

"No, I won't give you your feather back. You have my friend's, no, my colleague's, no…my…my…my…client's hat."

"Skrawk brak skakk brawkk."

"I'm sorry, but rules are rules. It's a trade or nothing."

"Brawkk…"

"Yes, it's a nice hat."

"Skrakk skrakky skrak."

"Yes, it does smell funny."

"Brakkk…"

"Look. Just GIVE ME THE FRACKIN' HAT! Give it to me or I'll shove this feather so far up your ketsunoana you'll spend a month trying to poop it out!"

The Tokkuri buzzard stared wide-eyed at Tatl, trying to figure out if she meant it. Just to prove her point, Tatl took the feather and rammed it all the way through a tree. Needless to say, the buzzard was utterly convinced and dropped the hat with his apologies.

Link was ecstatic at the return of his hat. He crammed it on his head and bounced around punching the air. Rolling her eyes, Tatl grabbed hold of his tunic and propelled him towards the dank air that signified the swamp was near.

The Southern Swamp's atmosphere was heavy with a swampy smell that filled Tatl's nose the instant the loading screen blinked off. "Oh gross. It smells like my ex-boyfriend's house." Link glanced up at her briefly but pushed the thought out of his small brain. A sign nearby read: "Southern Swamp Welcoming Hut! Straight ahead! Don't stop! Keep going! You're going to love it! No seriously. Please don't go back. We haven't had many visitors lately. We love visitors. With ketchup. Just kidding! Please keep going!" The sign was ominous, but the pair continued. A beat up building on stilts was hanging above the water, surrounded by mist. They climbed the stairs and entered the building.

It was empty and eerily so. A sign stood on the counter, saying that the Boat Cruise was closed. Beside the sign was a holder full of tourist brochures. Link grabbed one and pointed to an icon on the map labeled "concessions ." It was behind the Welcoming Hut. "Well, this was a waste of my life," kvetched Tatl. The duo left the building and looked around. Besides the swamp, the only place they could see was an entrance into some thick woods. Facing no alternative, they headed towards it.

Right before entering, a colorful sight caught Tatl's eye. A house on stilts was located behind the Welcoming Hut. She figured it must be the concessions because it was shaped like a teakettle. Hoping for a nice cup of tea, the two waded out to the ladder, climbed up and entered the house. The house turned out to be a shop and a strange shop at that. A wrinkled prune of a witch hunched behind the counter. Tatl approached it, slowly. "Hello?"

"Hello, my pretty. Would you like some…snacks?" The witch asked.

"Um, no, there was no one at the Welcoming Hut so we came here instead. We have to find…something. I'm not sure what."

The witch grinned. "Well, since you have nothing better to do, why don't you go look for my sister, Koume, in the woods? She's supposed to be minding the Boat Cruise counter, but she wandered off into the woods a couple of weeks ago and hasn't returned."

Tatl really didn't want to. "You didn't look for your own sister for a couple of weeks?"

The witch, Kotake, giggled and mumbled something about monkeys while twisting a strand of graying hair around her gnarled finger. Tatl sighed and accepted the mission. Kotake fished around in her gown and pulled out a bottle of red liquid. "If, I mean, _when_ you find her, give her this potion. It'll make her feel better."

The red potion shimmered seductivey. "What's in this stuff, anyway?" Tatl asked.

Kotake's pupils dilated. "Never you mind. Have a lemon lollypop. Shoo."

Tatl and Link were shoved from the shop and ushered down the ladder. Slightly creeped out, they tippytoed towards the entrance to the woods. About three feet from the entrance, a fluffy monkey suddenly swung down in front of them. "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES…" As quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Tatl was nonplussed and continued walking. Another monkey dropped in their path. "GO BACK…GO BACK!" It, too, swung away.

A particularly pale monkey grabbed Link's tunic from behind. "YOU WILL LOSE…EVERYTHING…" it warned. Link grabbed his hat in a panic and threw Tatl a "help me!" look. Tatl glared at the monkey. The monkey glared at Tatl. Then it slowly slunk away. Right before the two crossed the entrance to the woods, a final monkey stepped in the way. "TURN BACK YOU MUST, OR SCREWED YOU WILL BE," it uttered in a gravelly voice. Tatl, startled by the way it popped out of nowhere, kicked it in the soft places. It giggled, winked and hobbled away. Link was petrified of both Tatl and the woods and didn't want to move, so he sat down and began humming "Single Ladies."

Tatl made as if to grab his hat and he gave her such a pathetic look that she left him outside the woods.

The woods were filled with a sickly sweet smell that floated around her head and made her dizzy. Pale flowers grew up the trees on vines peppered with sharp thorns. Tatl had barely flown three feet when she came across a horrible sight. A second wrinkly witch, supposedly Koume, was laying supine on the forest floor, covered in monkey poo and bananas. Many monkeys were gathered around her body, holding hands and chanting in a monkeylike fashion. "Ooo ooo Ooo OOo OOO OOO oo OOo OOoO!" Tatl, who could translate all languages, vaguely wondered why they were chanting "Kumbayah" to something named Ooccoo.

The sight was so disturbing that she pocketed the potion and left the woods. Link was still sitting morosely on the ground outside the entrance. He glared at her balefully when she reappeared. "Let's…go somewhere else," she said. He nodded, stood up, and pulled the brochure out of his hat. The map indicated that a large building was located somewhere around the bend of the river. Tatl stuffed the map back in Link's hat and lead the pair off.

Link waded through the swamp, following closely behind the fairy. At one point he tried to splash her with water, but she made such a threatening gesture that he paled and immediately ceased. She brought them to a large gate. Who should be guarding it but the two panicky deku scrubs from Clock Town? They shivered where they stood. "Link," they trilled, "you're here!"


	5. Diary of a Mad Deku Princess

_Wow. I need a life._

CHAPTER FIVE: Diary of a Mad Deku Princess

"Well. Yeah," replied Tatl. "But where's here?" The gate guarded the walkway up to a mansion sunk deep in the swamp. Vines crawled up its sides and large pink flowers blossomed around it. Besides the two dekus at the gate, it appeared to be empty.

"This is the Deku Palace, home of the Deku King and his wretch of a daughter, the Deku Princess. The Deku King has a bit of a problem right now and you're just the person to help him," explained the twitchy scrubs. "He may help you a little in return."

Link stared blankly at the scrubs. Tatl nodded smartly. "Where can we find this king?"

"Straight through the front doors! Look for the lights and listen for music."

"Gotcha. Come on, Link." Tatl floated over the gate. Link walked straight into it and fell on his behind in the swamp. He looked at the scrubs miserably.

The scrubs snickered. "Oops. Right. The gate."

The gate opened and Link trudged through, lamenting that now his underwear was wet. It was his favorite pair, too, because they were oh-so-soft and Saria had given them to him that one night. Tatl sighed and led the way to the front doors. Link pulled them open and walked through into a drafty, damp hall. Sounds of upbeat music pulsed from another chamber behind more doors at the end of the hall.

Inside the chamber, the Deku King was partying like there was no manana. Tables filled with different brands of the most premium fertilizer lined the walls of the chamber, smelling to high heaven. The scrubs shook their leafy behinds around a huge bonfire and, in the corner, a circle of young scrubs could be seen playing Miracle-Gro Pong. Link grinned and waved. The music stopped. The Deku King stared at Link. Link stared back at the Deku King. "What the ficus are you supposed to be?" The huge scrub asked.

Link shrugged.

Moments later, Link was forcefully ejected from the palace, landing face-down in the swamp. He slowly picked himself up and looked hopelessly at Tatl. "Don't ask me 'what now?' I don't know what you're supposed to do," Tatl answered. Link sat down in the swamp and sulked. Tatl groaned. "You are so useless."

A shadow descended upon Link. He looked up, straight into the eyes of Frodo Baggins. Instinctually, Link clapped his arms over his hat and whimpered. "Put it on…" Frodo whispered dramatically. Link eyed him impassively. "Put it on!" Frodo whispered again, louder.

Tatl drifted over. "Put what on?"

"You are a maskbearer. Use it wisely." Frodo reached a hand into a bowl he held and pulled out a handful of chex mix. Link, who was hungry, opened his eyes wide and reached out a hand for some as well. Frodo promptly slapped his hand. "MINE!" He pulled a gold ring out of his pocket and disappeared.

"Uh?" Tatl said, confused. "Well. Do what he said. You know, that deku mask you have. Put it on."

Link sighed and reached into his hat, bringing out a wooden mask. He put it on his face and POP turned into a deku. He disliked this form very much. His hat didn't fit right. His head was too big. He started towards the doors, but a whisper close to his ear stopped him. "Link…to be a maskbearer is to be alone…" Frodo's voice was whisked away by the wind. Link swatted around his head as if trying to kill flies and hit the invisible Frodo square in the face. The sound of scattered chex mix hitting the swamp water resounded around the area, followed by a profound silence.

Scared of a quick and deadly hobbit retribution, Link hurried inside the palace and closed the doors behind himself. Tatl barely made it through. He presented himself before the Deku King once more and was accepted as a true deku. "You're a fine looking young man. Why, if the Princess were here, I'd let you marry her! Your hat's kinda funny looking, though."

Link scowled at the Deku King. Tatl, in turn, scowled at Link. "Where is the Princess?"

The Deku King attempted to grimace, but it came out more like a grin. "We don't know! She went missing a couple weeks ago."

"Where have you looked?"

"Looked? What do you mean?" He giggled.

Tatl tilted her head slightly to one side. "You haven't looked for your own daughter?"

"Eh. That's what this party is for. It's a…search…party." The King steepled his fingers together and looked wisely into the distance. "How about you help us and go look for her?"

Link pulled the roll of toilet paper from his hat and reminded Tatl that "Lyk teh tRYFOHRS ISS IN TEH DEUK PIRNSESSES BAK POKKET!" and they should find her for that purpose. "Yeah, sure. We'll find her."

"Oh, I didn't think you'd actually….I mean, fabulous! Hoorah!" He ran out into the middle of the floor and held up his goblet of Miracle-Gro. "A toast to our detectives! Hip hip!"

The scrubs responded in monotone. "Hooray."

Tatl and Link were escorted from the throne room with much ballyhoo and, once left outside, were locked out of the palace. The King and his attendants wiped the sap from their faces and hoped never to see them (or the Princess) again.

Link looked up at Tatl expectantly. The two of them scouted around the palace, looking for any clue that might lead to the missing princess. A few minutes in, Tatl yelled, "Link! I found something!" Link sloshed over and looked where Tatl was pointing. A glittery pink diary was floating about in the water. Luckily for the two, the outer cover was waterproof and the pages were intact. They flipped to the last page and read:

_OMG diary OMG! 3 3 3 I met this OMG SUPER HOTT guy on VineSpace last night and he was SO HOTT! His name was Odalwa. It sounds so exotic and foreign, like Gingko or something. He said I was "beautiful" and had "the nicest petals" he'd ever seen! He even said my seeds were so shiny and smooth that I must have some secret hee hee! None of the stupid suitors Daddy makes me see say anything about my seeds. Blah blah blah all they want to talk about is "have a great life together" and "eternal happiness" and I'm waaay too young for that. I wanna have fun. My stems won't be this straight forever, you know? Daddy says pollination is not a topic for princesses. Screw that. I'm going to go meet this guy at the Woodfall Temple tonight and hopefully fall in love! HES SO HOTT!_

Both Tatl and Link's mouths hung open. Crestfallen by the emotional depravity of today's youths, they chucked the diary further into the swamp and shuddered. "'scuse me while I go VOMIT," Tatl said. "but we did learn that she went to the Woodfall Temple. I saw a sign that said something about that around here." Indeed, a sign with an arrow pointing in an easterly direction was near the palace's front doors. Tatl flew off in that direction, followed by Link, who was reconsidering his whole love life. So that explained Saria…

The Woodfall Temple was impressive, no doubt. Link walked up to the front door and pulled on the handle. It was locked. A small intercom was located next to the doorbell, with a button below it saying "PUSH ME." Link pushed it. A friendly voice spoke, "Welcome to the Woodfall Temple! We are closed for renovation until further notice! Thank you for visiting and be sure to check back!"

Link shrugged and began to walk back towards the palace. "Oh no you don't." Tatl pulled him back. "We're getting into this building one way or another." She tried the door again with no luck. Link traipsed along behind her as she flew around the building, looking for other doors. Around the back of the temple was door marked "Service Entrance." A faint sound was coming from the door. Link and Tatl pressed their ears up against it. "It's…it's…romantic piano solos by the Indigo-gos! My ex-boyfriend used to play that crap for me. It got him no favors from me, I assure you. Oh heck no." With much displeasure, she opened the door and pushed Link through.

Odalwa and the Deku Princess were standing in the center, slow dancing. When Link barged in unceremoniously, they stopped. They stared at Link. Link stared back at them. Tatl jingled happily. "Hello, Princess! Your father sent us to look for you."

"I don't need to be _looked for_," the princess replied sniffily. "I'm perfectly fine right where I am. Odalwa is a perfect gentleman and I'm not going home!"

Tatl rolled her eyes. "Look, I know when you're a sprout everything seems so complicated and you think you're in love. But trust me, one day he'll start leaving the toilet seat up and then he'll start getting a little more distant and you'll blame yourself, and then one day you'll come home to find him cozied up with some skank named Navi!"

Link looked at Tatl strangely. He raised his hand to ask a question, but was rebuffed by the angry fairy. The Deku Princess had turned red. "Odalwa wouldn't do that."

"Look, kid. Either you come peacefully or I'm gonna have to take you by force. We want what's in your pants." Tatl was talking about the triforce, but in the heat of the moment forgot to explain herself.

Odalwa narrowed his eyes and placed the princess gently in a separate room. He shook his head no. "So you're going to do this the hard way, eh?" Tatl asked.

"ODALWA! IKABOGGAIKABOGGA!" Odalwa yelled. That's really all he ever said. That was alright though, because the princess really wasn't much for intellectuals.

"Link! I choose you! Go!" Tatl screamed. Link leaped forward and dodged a blow from Odalwa. He gracefully leaped over Odalwa's extended fist, reached over his shoulder, pulled out a bow, fit an arrow to it, arched his back, aimed, and shot himself in the foot. He dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

Tatl was left floating in front of Odalwa. She stared at Odalwa. Odalwa stared back. Slowly and carefully, she circled around the huge creature, maintaining eye contact. When she was in front of the chamber where the princess stood, she zoomed inside and locked the door.

Odalwa roared in frustration. "IKABOGGAIKABOGGA!"

The door reopened and Tatl flew out, clutching a bottle. Inside the bottle, smushed and quite uncomfortable, was the Deku Princess. Tatl, dodging Odalwa's swats, whizzed outside, yelling "Link! Finish him!"

Link had just woken up and put his hand to his head. He blearily looked around himself and settled his gaze on the irate Odalwa. He then looked at his foot, from which protruded an arrow. He fainted again.

Odalwa was considering squishing Link into a gelatinous goo when the Deku Princess was chucked back in the chamber by a furious fairy. "Here! Take your stupid jailbait! There was nothing in her pants worth messing with anyway!" She grabbed Link by the foot and dragged him out.

Once revived, Link looked away as Tatl pulled the arrow out of his foot. It turned out that it didn't even pierce his skin and he'd just fainted from the sight of it. Tatl slammed a book down in front of him. "This was in the Princess's back pocket. A stupid book. What's in this thing anyway?" She picked it up again and opened it. Her eyes got wider and wider with every word she read.

Link whimpered and motioned for her to tell him. Tatl slammed it shut and said. "Never you mind. Let's get out of here. Go on, go on. We're heading for the mountain. That's the next place Tael mentioned. Swamp, mountain, ocean, canyon."

She settled on Link's hat and continued to read. The book was labeled "Majora's Mask Cheatbook, Special Edition!" Bumping up and down with the motion of Link's pace, she laughed quietly and turned a page.


	6. Rock is a Nice Sweet Meat

_I apologize in advance that this is the last chapter I'll post for a while because my brother is leaving tomorrow to study abroad in Spain and I'm leaving for governor's school in a couple of weeks so we won't be able to write a new chapter together for a good long time. But I hope you enjoy this one while you wait!_

_If any wonderful nerds out there actually get the jokes in this chapter…kudos to you my friend, kudos._

CHAPTER SIX: Rock is a Nice Sweet Meat

The trip back to Termina Field from the Deku Palace seemed to take no time at all to Tatl, who was having a great time flipping through the newfound cheatbook. It had lots of colorful pictures. Every once in a while Link would stop and look up at Tatl gloomily, but she refused to let him anywhere near the manual. "When will I let you see it?" Tatl asked, reading Link's glance. "When you're older. You couldn't read it anyway. It's too complicated. It's in Japanese." Occasionally she would fly under his hat and he would feel a small tug.

As they threaded their way through the tall grass of Termina Field, headed toward the menacing mountain ahead, Tatl suddenly crawled out from under his hat, holding a single blonde hair from Link's head. She had fashioned a crude medicine man stick from a piece of a deku stick and a feather from the Tokuri Buzzard. It had made the mistake of running into them again in the field and Tatl demanded a tail feather for tribute. It immediately acquiesced before flying as far away from Termina as possible.

She had tied the feather around the top of the stick and now brandished it over Link's head. Waving the stick and the hair, she circled around Link, chanting "kami kami kamidesu" and quickly signed "#FF00FF" before throwing the hair in Link's face. He sputtered and swatted at it, but nothing seemed to have happened, so he shrugged and continued walking. Tatl clapped her hands over her mouth and bobbed over to Link's head before collapsing into fits of giggles on his hat.

A green chuchu was flopping around a few yards away and made as if to attack Link, but when it took a good look at him, it stopped. Its eyes stared unblinkingly at Link. It then turned and flopped a few feet away before popping. Link found this somewhat out of the ordinary as chuchus usually only pop when stabbed, performing honorable chuppuku, or having seen something extraordinarily ridiculous. Clearly he had not stabbed him or had caused any reason for honorable chuppuku, so something ridiculous must be the cause.

He looked around. The field was empty except for he and Tatl. Tatl looked like she always did. He reached a hand to his brow and scanned the field. A purple chuchu flopped a good 100 meters away. It spotted him, eagerly flopped a couple of feet towards him, then promptly exploded into purple chu jelly. Link was nonplussed and, to be honest, a little ticked off. Suddenly a click came from behind him. Tatl held a pictograph box in her hand and watched as it printed off a small Polaroid. She chuckled. Link made a swipe for the Polaroid, but she held it up out of his reach and quickly put it away. The green-clad hero wasted a small amount of time pouting, but Tatl could out-pout him. They continued on their way.

They arrived at the base of the Great Northern Mountain as snowflakes swirled from the sky and piled into fluffy mounds. A thin, vertical wall of ice blocked the path up the mountain. Dodongos roamed around the foothills, but they saw Tatl and recognized her as the El Grande Dodongo Matatdor who had slayed the El Rey Dodongo with a nuclear deku nut and wisely left the pair alone.

Link approached the wall of ice and spotted something pink behind it. Confused, he squinted his eyes and looked more closely at it. With growing horror, he realized the the pink wasn't behind it…it was his reflection! He sqeaked and tugged a lock of his hair from his head. Sure enough, it was cotton candy pink. Suddenly his mind floated away to painful memories of his boyhood in Hyrule when he lived with his pedophile uncle who forced him to dye his hair pink every April. It was a dark, dark time in his life.

He slowly turned to face Tatl, his lip stuck out and quivering. He extended the lock of pink hair to her and whimpered. "What?" She asked. "It's the Super Secret Link to the Past Easter Egg Glitch Cheat. It was in the beginner's section and I thought I'd try it. Hey, don't give me your attitude. It kept a couple of chuchus from attacking us. You ought to thank me."

Link sat down on the snowy ground and cried silently, clutching his hair and rocking back and forth. "Stop." Tatl warned. Link just curled tighter and sobbed harder. He was attracting the attention of the Dodongos, who were losing their respect for the fearsome Matador de Dodongos and were inching closer to the two. "Seriously Link, stop. You're making me look ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with pink hair. Metrosexuality is all the rage these days. Real men wear pink. Well…actually…I guess you don't really deserve the pink after all if I think about it THAT way. Hold on." She opened the book and turned to the back, to a section labeled "Cheat Reversal."

She held up the stick, took a deep breath, and violently assaulted Link screaming "KAMI KAMI KAMIDESU!" It took fifteen minutes for her to beat the cheat out of Link, but finally the pink faded and he was back to his usual blonde hue. He limped over the ice wall, examined his reflection, and almost began to cry again. "No, Link, that's not pink hair. That's blood." He grinned, pulled out a fire arrow, strung it in his bow, aimed at the ice wall, and let it fly. It arced through the air, bounced off the ice, and fell to ground where it fizzled out with a _fszzzzt _sound.

"Stand back," Tatl said, and pulled a nuclear deku nut from her pocket. The Dodongos that had been slowly advancing roared fearful RAWWRRRFs and scurried away. She lobbed the nut at the wall, which was vaporized instantly. The shockwave shook the mountain and started an avalanche. Tatl and Link only survived by bolting up the mountain and out of the way. The dodongos below weren't as lucky. They were buried underneath the snow and died in what was later to go down in history as the Great Dodongo Massacre.

While walking up the mountain, it became obvious that they were being watched. Link would catch movement in the corner of his eye and would turn to see a flash of tan disappearing among the rocks or behind a snowbank.

**-Night of the First Day-**

**-60 Hrs Remain-**

Night fell quickly in the mountains and the temperatures dropped to nearly zero. The two made camp and tried to build a fire unsuccessfully. Link curled desolately against a rock and looked warily around himself. Snow Poes floated past and sang songs of death, loneliness, and bitterness. Wolfos howled in the distance. Tatl was sound asleep on the rocks beside him.

A ghostly glow began to shine from an outcropping on the other side of the pass and headed toward them. Link scooched as far back into the rock as possible and hoped it was another Poe. It got closer. Link got more anxious. It got closer. Link tapped Tatl, who slapped his finger away in her sleep and mumbled something about her ex-boyfriend. It got closer. Link's eyes got wider. It was really, really close now. Link's eyes filled with fear.

The glow condensed into the form of a ghostly goron who approached and put its face three inches away from Link's. It smiled a toothless grin. "You got a purty mouth, boy." Link jumped up and squeaked, accidentally swatting Tatl and sending her tumbling into a snowbank. The goron's grin widened. "But I know a way to make that mouth even purtier." He pulled out a goron mask and slammed it on Link's face. Link's body convulsed, his skin crawled and grew rock hard, his bones swelled, and his hat stretched as his head grew in size. When it was over, he looked at his hands and realized he had become the ghost's doppelganger.

Tatl emerged from the snowbank, dripping wet and mad as a cat. "Where is that filthy son of a wallmaster? Imma kill him. Imma…who the heck are you?" A large goron stood where Link had slept, looking as pathetic as a big scary goron can look. "I don't know who you are, but I gotta tell you…you have a pretty mouth. For a goron. Just saying." She looked at him more closely and narrowed her eyes. "Why are you wearing Link's hat? He never takes off his hat…oh MY GOSH YOU ATE HIM!"

Link shook his head quickly, holding his arms up, palms out. He pointed to the hat and pointed to himself, unfortunately in the abdomen. "He's in your stomach? Is that what you're saying?" She flew up to his belly and yelled into it. "HOLD ON LITTLE BUDDY! I'LL GET YOU OUT!" Link shook his head again, pointed at his hat, and jumped up and down. Tatl pulled out a deku nut and backed up, malice on her small face. Link, realizing his short and pointless life had come to an end, sat down against the rock and began to hum Zelda's theme. If only he could see her again…

Tatl recognized the irritating hum and stopped. "Link? Is that…you?" Link looked up and nodded one last time. "What happened to you? A dead goron forced his face onto you? Daaaaaaang. Why do you have all the fun? Look, you may have a nice mouth now, but that's not going to stop us. So go to sleep so we can leave in the morning." That said, she curled up again on the rocks and closed her eyes. Link, no longer cold because of his hyperactive goron metabolism, also drifted off to sleep.

**-Dawn of the Second Day-**

**-48 Hrs Remain-**

The goron village was silent and still in the pale winter sun. Gorons sat listlessly among the stone walls. A horrible high-pitched wail was emanating from a cave in the middle of the village. Link clapped his hands over his ears. "What is that unholy racket?" Tatl asked. They went to go investigate in the cave. The source of the noise was a small, gourd-like goron child who was wailing at the top of his lungs.

"I'm so hungry!" He cried. A hunched over grandfather patted his back. Tatl and Link entered the room, hands over their ears. "Oh! Darmani! You're back! No luck at the Temple, I see. Great. Here. Take care of your son while I go relieve myself." He thrust the screaming kid into Links hands and hobbled out the door. Link was at an utter loss.

"Daddy! So hungry!" The goron child cried.

"Link, feed him and shut him up!" Tatl instructed. "Kid, what do you eat?"

"R-rocks. Hungry!"

Tatl looked around. "This whole place is made of rock. Why don't you eat that, stupid?"

The little goron looked at her and snuffled. "Don't want this rock. Tastes bitter. Want rock sirloin."

"Well gee, I'm sorry, I left my rock sirloin in my OTHER PANTS! What else do you want?"

The kid screamed louder and beat Link's chest with its fists. "NO! WANT ROCK SIRLOIN! WANT ROCK CANDY!"

Tatl snapped her fingers. "Link. The lollypop. The one the witch at Southern Swamp gave us. Give it to him!"

Link dropped the kid and fished around in his hat for the lemon lollypop. He handed to the little goron, who greedily ripped the wrapper off and took a lick. His face filled with delight. He then slumped over, still holding the candy. Tatl looked at Link. Link looked at Tatl. Tatl crept over to the goron and kicked him. "Hey. Kid. This ain't naptime." The little goron just laid there. "Yo. Your grandpa's going to come back soon. Get up." It was then that Tatl felt slightly uneasy. "Wakey wakey." The goron continued to lay on the ground, drooling lemon drool. She felt its pulse, or lack of one.

"…let's go. Now." She grabbed Link's collar and dragged him out of the cave.

They met the elder on the way out. "Where's my grandson?" He asked.

"He's resting. In peace." Tatl explained.

"Oh, good! It's about time…" He muttered. "Dang kids these days. Always complaining about starvation. When I was a kid, we were lucky if we saw rocks once every…" His voice faded away as the hobbled deeper into the cave.

While hurrying away from the scene of the crime, Link stumbled over a goron who was sitting on a snowy rock. "Hey, watch it," the goron complained. "Oh! Darmani! I thought you were at the temple?"

Tatl cut a glance at Link. "We're on our way. Listen…just out of curiosity…do you know…why we were going to the temple?"

"Well, yeah, you were going to see why we've been kept in eternal winter for years. We're so cold we can't harvest rocks anymore and we're all starving! But you're going to miss the big NASGOR race this afternoon! What a shame."

"Right. Right. Just making sure you were up to date on the…current events. See you around." Tatl jerked her head towards the temple, motioning for Link to follow. He looked over his shoulder nervously at the cave and nodded.


	7. I Smoked a Rock and I Liked it

_Aaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!_

CHAPTER SEVEN: I Smoked a Rock and I Liked it

The temperature only dropped the nearer they got to the Snowhead Temple. It loomed in the distance, a giant ice structure that sparkled vampirically in the low winter light. The wind also blew more and more fiercely as they approached the bridge stretching across a deep chasm to the Temple. As he walked along, Link would dislodge little rock bits from the mountain walls and toss them into his mouth, crunching noisily.

"Quit popping rocks. I don't care how tingly they make you feel." Tatl said irritably. "You're going to regret them when you turn back into a Hylian." Link, indignant, nibbled the corner of a glittery stone rebelliously.

They turned a corner and caught sight of the long, narrow stone bridge covered with ice. There were no handrails and on either side of the bridge was endless, misty abyss. They stood at the end of it, peering across and into the fog at the other side. Suddenly a huge gust of wind rushed past them, buffeting Tatl around and causing Link to sway slightly. The wind smelled like dirt and dust. The wind died down for a moment, then returned in full force. "What the heck is with this wind?" Tatl yelled, trying to keep afloat against the tide.

A monstrous shadow moved somewhere near the middle of the bridge. It groaned a goron groan and stretched its arms up. The wind ceased. Tatl rearranged her wings and fluttered forward, onto the bridge. "Hey. You. Big freakin' biggoron. Get your big butt off the bridge."

The goron gazed at them with unfocused eyes. "Man. I'm feeling so…so calm right now. I just feel like everything is gonna be alright." He scratched his butt and pulled a large white cigarette out of his pocket.

"Is that…marblejuana?" Tatl asked. "That's illegal here! Where did you mine that?"

The biggoron struck it on the stone of the bridge, causing the end to spark and smoke a little. "This is a goooooood cigarock. I mean…wow. Go find your own dealer, little fairy friend." He stuck the end of it in his mouth and took a long draw. "Yeah." Fog curled from the end of it.

The fog swirled around Link, who was suddenly feeling very relaxed, like everything was going to be alright. He locked eyes with the biggoron who nodded slowly in appreciation. "You like that, little brothah? I can hook you all kinds of up with the good stuff. I got this brother in Hyrule. Straight death mountain gemstone, senor. Yes sirree."

"Don't listen to him, Link. People like him never go places in life. They just sit around and BLOCK THE ENTRANCE TO THE TEMPLE! MOVE!" She screamed in the biggoron's face. He just smiled and blew dust in her face.

Link inched closer to him, curiously. The big goron nodded again and motioned him even closer. Link tiptoed up and stared with wide eyes. The biggoron held out the joint temptingly. "Link! Stop! I mean it!" Tatl jingled furiously. Link ignored her, took the joint, and puffed on it. Nothing happened. He shrugged and handed it back.

"Now you're on the magical road, brother. Keep all hands inside the vehicle while it's in motion!" He chuckled. "Wow. Anybody ever told you you got a real nice mouth?"

"Great. You've corrupted him. Can we please get past you now? Please." Tatl pleaded with her best understanding face.

The biggoron yawned and slowly, slowly opened his eyes to look up at her. "I'm just really comfortable right now. I'm good."

Hallucinogens make you paranoid. Tatl knew this; it was how she manipulated her ex-boyfriend. "Wait…what is that over there?"

The biggoron's eyes popped open. "What? Where?"

"Over there. In that big swirl of smoke. It looks like…it looks like…the Goron Secret Police!"

"The what? Speak words, sister."

"COPS!"

The biggoron lurched to his feet. "No! I'm clean, man! Oh this is bad! This is bad, little brother. We're busted, little brother! Run! We're gonna get popped!" He stumbled off across the bridge, weaved, and fell off the side of the bridge into the abyss. "Whoahhh!" He yelled, his voice fading as he dropped.

Tatl watched him go impassively. "See? That's what I was talking about. Once you fall into this crowd, it's a long spiral down."

Link wasn't paying much attention by this time. His mind was starting to flatline. He was amused by the pretty little shiny lady fairy. "Come on. Let's go. We have work to do." Link grinned and followed without hesitation.

The twosome worked their way across the narrow bridge and walked through the archway. The inside of the temple was as cold as the outside. Tatl whistled. "This temple is huge. This is going to take forever."

Snarls erupted from underneath the snow. A massive white wolfo sprang from the ground and bore down on Link, who was supremely unconcerned. He smiled blithely as the wolfo's bright teeth approached. Two inches from his throat, it stopped and backed off, a bit confused. Link hadn't moved a centimeter. The wolfo growled its wolfiest growl and sprang at the green-clad hero again. Once more it stopped as its prey showed no sign of fear. With a frustrated whimper, it sat on its haunches in the snow and cocked its head. Link again smiled beatifically and approached the dog, reaching a big goron hand out to pat its head. The wolfo was so shocked that it rolled over, exposing its surprisingly pink belly. Link scratched its belly for a few seconds until Tatl scolded, "Link! STOP petting the wolfo! It has fleas. And it smells funny." Link nodded slowly and scooped up the now-relaxed wolfo. Its tongue lolled out of its mouth. He sat it down outside the archway to the temple and patted it on the head. He then returned to Tatl's side.

Link's newfound bravery was unexpected. Tatl was beginning to question her views on legalizing marblejuana. After all, it was doing wonders for the quaking little Hylian she was babysitting. Indeed, Link was taking the initiative to search for pathways up the temple himself. His fear seemed to have wafted away in the dust from the cigarock. Tatl found herself strangely attracted to this new Link. After all, he did have a pretty mouth. Link was on his hands and knees crawling along the baseboards of the temple. He stopped at a section of the wall and waved Tatl over. An infinitesimal crack snaked up the wall. Link shooed Tatl away and took out a bomb from his hat. He placed it by the crack and Baywatch-ran for cover.

BOOM! The bomb blew away a large chunk of the wall, revealing a sign that said "Service Elevator." Link threw the fairy a thumbs-up before wrenching the remaining rock away from the elevator door. Tatl was getting fairly excited about Link's transformation. Marblejuana had given him what evolution never had-balls. She joined the husky goron man in the elevator. The doors closed behind her. There were five buttons on the wall, each corresponding to a temple level. Tatl chose the top button, marked "Hospitality Suite." The elevator began to ascend, while playing a snazzy saxophone cover of that song Tatl heard that one time while knocking back a White Russian in the Clock Town Milk Bar after she caught her boyfriend with that skank fairy, Navi. She jingled with rage. Navi. Ohhhhh she hated Navi. If she ever got a hold of that STD with wings she'd…

Link, meanwhile, had been examining the unusually large interior of the elevator. Some 18th century tapestries had been artfully hung towards the front. Link stood in front of them and marveled at the artistry. It was so beautiful. He shed a lone tear.

The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Link strode confidently out and into an enormous hallway. A monstrous masked animal was to his right, encased in glittering ice. He pulled a fire arrow from his hat and took aim. Tatl made a small dissatisfied noise. "I don't think that's a great idea. I mean, look at that thing. It looks dangerous."

Link waved her away and shot the arrow. It flew gracefully through the icy air and struck the animal right between the eyes, melting the ice. The animal, steaming and snorting, stamped its mechanical feet and roared, shattering the remaining ice. Now free, Goht, the masked mechanical monster, took off running down the hallway. Less than a minute later it passed the pair again, still running. The hallway was actually a huge circular room with the elevator tower in the middle. Tatl and Link stood and watched as it passed again and again and again.

"LET'S DO THIS THING!" Tatl yelled, beginning to advance. Link held up a large gloved hand and shook his head. He puffed out his chest and sprinted after Goht, who had just passed again, into the darkness. The room fell silent. Then, a horrible, renting, shrieking noise filled the chamber. It was a cross between metal grinding and the eternal damnation of a thousand souls. Finally, after what felt like an hour, the room once more lapsed into silence.

Something stirred to Tatl's right. She fluttered fearfully in the shadows. From the darkness, a shape moved forward. Link, naked, triumphant, and covered in blood, strode towards the door. Tatl screamed and covered her eyes. "LINK! PUT YOUR LOINCLOTH BACK ON!" Link looked down, then gave a smug nod of pride.

The elevator ride back down the bottom of the temple was more than slightly awkward for Tatl. Link wore his naked bloodiness with all the pride of an alpha male. Tatl grew suspicious. Just whose blood was all over Link? He had no discernable cuts or lacerations, so it must have been Goht's. But did masked mechanical monsters even have blood? The whole situation was a bit fishy.

The white wolfo was still stretched out underneath the doorway as they exited the temple. The temperature had risen forty-five degrees since the demise of Goht, and the snow was melting into puddles. Link knelt down to pat the wolfo, then let out a wail of agony. "Is that noise really necessary, Link?" Tatl asked. The wolfo was dead. Link cradled it in his muscular arms and wept manly goron tears. Tatl examined the corpse. "Heat stroke. Now put the doggie down. You'll get a disease."

Link regretfully chunked it off the bridge and into the chasm. As they walked away, they heard faintly on the wind "Duuuuuude. Like, a dog just fell. From the sky. Whoah. Rock on, little dead buddy." Tatl briefly entertained the idea of requesting more marblejuana for Link, but realized that his Hylian body couldn't handle it. What a shame.

As they entered the town, they heard wails of anguish. A goron gatekeeper peered back into the civilization, his mouth agape. Not looking at the pair but hearing the footsteps, he said "Hey, fella. Did you hear that? Someone murdered the Elder's grandson! That's horrible! They're saying Darmani killed him! Killed his own son! That's some screwed up shale, my friend." He turned to face Link, who was currently inhabiting Darmani's body. His eyes widened as he took in the naked, bloody sight. "Hey…aren't you…"

Tatl jerked Link behind a wall of rock and hissed, "Take off the mask! Take off the mask! They think you're the murderous Darmani! I mean…you ARE the murderous Darmani. But you don't need to be the MURDERED Darmani! Take it off!" Link complied and shrank back to his small Hylian self. His mouth was not nearly so pretty.

A rabble of gorons bearing pitchforks and torches thundered past the two. One stopped and asked, "Hey, kid. Have you seen a naked goron around here anywhere?" Link shook his head. "Thanks," the goron said, joining the group again. They faded into the distance, chanting "DARMANI! DARMANI! DARMANI!"

"Alright, Link. I'm tired and I don't feel like waiting for you to walk down this mountain. I'm going to try something." She yanked a hair from Link's blonde head and turned her back on him to thumb through the cheatbook she had found in the Deku Princess's pocket. "Okay. Warp cheat. Warp cheat…aha! Gotcha, you little booger." She pulled out her deku stick and waved it around while muttering words in a foreign language. Link watched somewhat apprehensively and for good reason, because Tatl suddenly whirled around and brought the deku stick slamming down on his head. When he opened his eyes, he was beside a gigantic nest.

The Tokkuri buzzard poked its beak out of the nest to see who the newcomers were. It eyes fell on Tatl and it sprang out of the nest with an expression of pure horror, scattering feathers everywhere. Its wings beat the air and it flew away as fast as it could. "Glad to see we're making an impression around here," Tatl commented.


	8. Aliens Prefer Redheads

_Reviews make me want to hug Link._

_But I kind of want to do that anyway…_

CHAPTER EIGHT: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Aliens Prefer Redheads

"Swamp, Mountain, Ocean, Canyon," Tatl said. "That's where Tael told us to go." The nest, fortunately, was beside a prominent sign that said "Western Ocean This Way." Scrawled below it were the letters "End of the World Party! BYOSA" and a crude drawing of a gonopodium. Tatl and Link followed the sign but were stopped by a tall gate with spikes on the tips of the posts. "Well, this sucks. How are we supposed to get over that?"

Link looked at her blankly and rapped on the metal with his knuckles. He then shrugged and wandered back to the sign to stare at the artwork. Tatl eyed the gate. "Any ideas, Link?" she asked. Link thought back to his days as The Hero of Time and scratched his chin. Suddenly he stood up and ran over to Tatl, jumping up and down. "What, you have an idea? This is new. What is it? A horse? You got into Lake Hylia using a horse? A _horse_? Where do you expect me to magically pull a horse from, eh?" Link's bank of ideas was exhausted for the time being and he shrugged again.

Tatl scrunched up her face. "Maybe we can steal one from a farm or something. Let's look around and see if there are any farms nearby." She set off away from the gate into the Western Ocean. Not far along the natural wall of the ocean was a dirt path. Another sign stood by the entrance. "Hey! It says 'Romani Ranch!' Ranches have horses!" The pair hurried down the path, only to be once again blocked by a colossal rock that clogged the entire entrance to the ranch. "What? You've got to be kidding me. First a gate and now a rock. I had enough of rocks up on that stupid mountain."

The situation was dire. Tatl and Link were about to turn around when a bush rustled beside them. Out of the shrubbery sprang a yellow three-tailed fox. Each of the fox's tails had a black fluffy tip. It approached Link in a stately manner and sat expectantly in front of him. Tatl looked at Link. Link looked at Tatl. "What, do you want a treat? We ain't got no treats. You want a stick? Here. Stick! Get the stick! Get the stick, stupid!"

The fox glared indignantly at Tatl. "Get the stick? What do you think I am? A pet? No, no, my desolate duo, I am a Keaton. I know all."

"Great. So what's in it for us?"

The Keaton drew himself (or herself, Keatons are, in general, somewhat gender-confused) to his fullest. "I will ask you a question. One question. If you answer me correctly, I will help you get rid of the rock that blocks the entrance to Romani Ranch."

Link nodded enthusiastically. "Fine. Hit us with your best shot." Tatl said, remembering that she had a list of all the questions Keatons could ask in the back of her cheatbook. This was in the bag.

The Keaton paused dramatically before asking, "How do you get rid of the rock blocking the entrance to Romani Ranch?"

Tatl paused mid-flutter. "WHAT? You can't ask that! That's not fair at all! No!" She opened the cheatbook and flipped to the index at the back. "That's not even in here! You're not programmed to ask that!"

The Keaton shrugged remorselessly. "You should bone up on your Termina trivia, then. Not my fault."

"Why you little cheat…" Tatl jangled angrily. "Can we at least have a few guesses?"

"Guess away!"

Tatl bobbed close to Link's ear. "Alright, kid. How do we get rid of this rock? Don't give me that look. Brainstorm!" Link screwed up his face in a look of concentration. A few minutes passed.

"Hurry up," the Keaton said. "Your time is waning." The pair ignored him and kept thinking. A couple more minutes passed. Again, the Keaton said "Hurry! You only have a few minutes more!"

"If you don't shut your yellow mouth I'm gonna beat your head against the rock. If that doesn't break it, I don't know what will," threatened Tatl.

"That won't help you at all." The Keaton's eyes widened and its tails twitched.

Tatl's eyes narrowed. "You got awful nervous there. Are you hiding something?"

"No," the Keaton said. Again, its tails twitched.

"Link. He's lying. He has a tell. Look, every time he lies, his tail twitches."

"No, they don't!" The Keaton swallowed hard, his tails twitching.

Tatl faced him resolutely. "So. Do we bang our heads against the rock to make it go away?"

The Keaton shook his head and his tails remained still.

"Do we bang _your _head against the rock to make it go away? What, is your blood magic or something?"

"Okay, time's up! Better luck next time! Bye, folks!" The Keaton leapt to its paws and started backing towards the bushes.

Tatl pursued it. "Oh, no you don't! Link! Incapacitate him! We need his blood!"

Link ran towards the fox with a bloodthirsty gleam in his eyes. He dove at the creature and missed it by inches. He did, however, have the foresight to locate the hole in which the Keaton lived. He sat on the hole, blocking its escape.

The Keaton cowered against a wall. "What are you going to do?"

Tatl laughed unpleasantly. "I thought you knew everything." She advanced slowly.

The ranch was spacious and pleasant. Cuccos of multiple colors and sizes roamed freely across the fields. A redheaded girl was running across the large central field with a bow and arrow, wearing a tinfoil hat and shooting at a balloon. Link took a few steps toward her. CRUNCH. He stopped and looked, startled, at his feet. He had trodden on a small glass of water. He looked up and noticed that the entire ground was studded with glasses of varying sizes, filled with water. Feeling somewhat thirsty, he helped himself to one of them.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOOOO! THOSE ARE FULL OF ALIEN REPELLANT!" The ginger girl had abandoned her bow and arrow and now sprinted toward Link. "PUT IT DOWN!"

Link, surprised and frightened, dropped the glass and clutched his throat. He looked wildly up at Tatl. "Don't ask me! I don't know if alien repellant is poisonous!" Link dropped to the ground and writhed. Tatl floated to the girl. "What's in the alien repellant?"

The girl was gathering up the shards of glass with all the care of a heartbroken mother. "It's my own concoction. A special mixture of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. If you do it carefully enough, it turns into a liquid. Excellent for repelling extraterrestrials." She looked at Tatl with her huge, round eyes.

"Link. Stop acting like a fool. It's just water." Tatl said to the still-squirming Hylian.

Link immediately stopped, sat up, and wiped his brow with a relieved smile. He stood up, walked over to the girl, and bounced his eyebrows. The girl rolled her eyes and continued picking up the remains of the glass Link had shattered.

"So, uh, why do you have these glasses of…alien repellant…all over your farm? And do you have horses?"

The girl straightened up and clutched the glass to her chest. "You mean…you don't know? You don't know about the impending alien invasion? Who ARE you?"

Tatl sniffed. "We're not exactly locals. And I, for one, don't believe in aliens."

The girl stumbled back as if pushed. "You don't believe in ALIENS?" Her tinfoil hat wobbled. "Ha! They've infected your mind! I alone have kept my thoughts pure, with the help of my Metal Alloid Brainwave Containment-Field hat! If you don't believe me, just hang around here until nightfall! You'll see then. Ohhhhh you'll all see." She started walking towards the farmhouse. "They always come for the cows. But they got all the cows. So now they're coming for me! But they're not going to get me. Noooooooooo sirree. I've been practicing with my Recoil Action Alien Defense Projectile Weapon."

"You mean that flimsy bow and one arrow you were just playing with?"

"No! It's not just a bow and arrow! This is high technology! State-of-the-art! You'll see! You'll all see!" She flung open the door to the farmhouse and shut herself inside.

Tatl giggled. "I kind of want to stick around until tonight. We have nothing better to do. We can't steal a horse while she's watching us." The girl was eyeing them out a farmhouse window. Link nodded and skipped away to chase an unfortunate cucco. The redheaded girl did not leave her house until the sun had dipped low behind the horizon.

**-Night of the Second Day-**

**-36 Hrs Remain-**

As stars started to twinkle in the twilight, she slipped out the door, a determined expression on her face. She was wrapped in tinfoil from head to toe except for her hands and feet. When she walked, it made a tkssxh-tkssxh sound. She found her bow and arrow in the grass and braced herself with it.

When she noticed Link and Tatl still loitering near the horse stalls, she spit on the grass and drawled "Now you folks stay back. If I don't make it…tell my sister that…I was right. I was always right. The aliens always come when she's delivering milk and I get blamed for the missing cows. Sweet, sweet vindication. Justice."

Hours passed. The sky continued to darken. The redhead didn't waver, but stood staring at the sky and fingering her arrow. Every few minutes she would dip the tip in a glass of water that stood at her feet. Tatl and Link sat on the ground, fascinated.

Around 2:30 in the morning, lights appeared in the pitch black sky. The redhead girl tensed up and cast about wildly for glasses of water, which she stockpiled by her feet. "THEY'RE HERE!" She yelled, fitting her arrow to her bow. One of the lights in the sky grew bigger and bigger until Tatl and Link could discern a spherical shape to it. It hovered overhead near the girl. Figures began pouring out of it. Twenty or more dropped to the ground and made a beeline straight for the girl. As they neared, it was obvious that they were not of this world. They hovered about a foot above the ground and wore big purple cloaks. Their hands were black, white and claw-like and their eyes were round, red, and piercing. They stretched out towards the girl…

"DIE ALIEN SCUM," yelled the girl, loosing her arrow. It struck the first alien in the face, and it smoked where it had hit. She threw the bow at another alien, then stooped and picked up a glass of water to hurl at the approaching intruders. The aliens melted when hit, melting into globs of dark purple goo. They approached and she lobbed water at them…but there were just too many of them. The lights in the sky grew closer and closer until they were right above her head. A spot light shown down on her. "NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! DIE! I WAS RIGHT! VINDICATION!" The girl ascended towards the light, kicking and screaming. When she disappeared into the light, it and all of the aliens vanished, but not before looking at Link and giving him what Tatl could only assume was a wink.

"Whoah. That was intense," Tatl said. "Who would have guessed?" She watched while Link stood and brushed himself off. "I guess she won't be needing her horses anymore. Let's take one."

Link had hoped to find his beloved horse, Epona, at the ranch, but she was nowhere to be found. He chose instead a dark brown, scruffy-looking pony with white hooves. He coaxed it from the pen with a carrot he'd found in his hat while watching the abduction of the poor redhead girl. It allowed itself to be mounted easily and trotted steadily towards the exit of the farm. "Bill? You want to name it Bill? Suit yourself," grumbled Tatl.

They left the farm and passed the yellow fur-covered ruins of the rock that had previously blocked the pathway. Bill proved to be a swift and smooth pony and bore Link with patience. "That's more than I can do," remarked Tatl. It jumped the gate to the Western Ocean with ease and was soon trotting on the grainy sands of the beach.


	9. Bring Your Own Seaweed Ale

_Oh lawls. Summer at its finest. Review and I'll love you :]_

CHAPTER NINE: Bring Your Own Seaweed Ale

It was still night when Tatl and Link entered the beach of the Western Ocean. Moonlight glimmered on the surface of the dark water. Different buildings were floating out in the ocean, but there were no bridges. Bill, Link, and Tatl rode to the edge of the water and gazed out into the distance. A flock of birds were huddled around something shiny and white in the water. "Link. Go see what it is," Tatl instructed.

Link was a little perturbed about being bossed around in such a fashion, but he obeyed, dismounting Bill and sloshing into the water. The white object turned out to be a half-dead zora. It groaned as Link approached. "So-someone. H-help me. Get me t-to shore…" Again with the bossing Link around! Link almost swam back to shore, but knew he'd get yelled at by Tatl, so he towed the unfortunate zora back to the beach. When he hit the shore, the zora sleepily stood up and stumbled up a dune, then fell face-first in the sand. Link, against his better judgement, ran and knelt by his side. Tatl joined him moments later.

"What is it?" Tatl asked. Link waved for her to be quiet.

The zora was mumbling in a deep, raspy voice. "Dude. I…I'm…so…_incredibly_ wasted…right now. So wasted. You don't even…understand." He was silent for a few seconds, then he went on. "Like, so, I have this hot piece of dorsal fin, right? Her name's…Lulu. At least…I think that's it. Anyway. I knocked her up a few months ago. She laid these…weird egg-things…and now, like, she can't _sing,_ man. She can't sing! And these pirate babes, like, aw man, they are so hot, like, they took her egg-things. Oh…the _nagging_ I heard, man. The nagging! But I love her, man! She's…my…main fish. I mean…like….that…hot exchange student…Ruto…she's fine too but…I mean…I love Lulu. Like really man. You've gotta believe me. I feel it…right here, man. Right here in my swim bladder. I tried to go save her egg-things but, like, I couldn't because the pirate babes were just so _smokin'._ Right? You know, man? So I went back to the Zora Hall but, like, I just couldn't tell Lulu. She'd, like, leave me. And I love her, man. I LOVE HER. So I just, like, got drunk instead. But, like, I think I drank way too much seaweed ale, man. Way, way too much. I feel really, like, slow and, like, confused." He sat up and clutched Link's shoulders. "I think I'm gonna die, man. Like, right here, right now. Like, my time is up, little green man. You gotta…you gotta do something for me. You gotta, like…tell my girl…that she's, she's…she's THE ONE, man, THE ONE. I…don't wanna die…" with that, he slumped over and was dead. Moments later, a flurry of Leevers swarmed the corpse. Within a couple of seconds, all that was left was the guitar he'd been holding and a zora mask.

Link didn't want to touch the zora mask. It looked like it was the dead zora's face that the Leevers had missed. Tatl coaxed him for ten minutes, hoping the zora mask would be like the goron, before he would reach down and pick it up. It took even more convincing before he'd put the thing on his face. When he finally did, he lengthened and contorted into a tall doppelganger of the dead zora. "Well. This is an improvement of sorts, I suppose," she said, somewhat approvingly.

**-Dawn of the Last Day-**

**-24 Hrs Remain-**

Link admired his new tall self, turned to Tatl, and winked. Tatl lost a bit of altitude in surprise. "What was that for?" she asked suspiciously. Link just threw his head and shoulders back and strode confidently towards the ocean, which looked refreshing and delightful now. Tatl, feeling quite sticky (it had been a few days since her last Terminian shower) followed him into the water. Fortunately, fairies can breathe underwater, as can zoras. Link sped away into the distance. "Where are you going?" Tatl yelled at him. He stopped and shrugged before continuing his journey.

Some of Mikau's instincts must have been left in the mask because Link led himself to Zora Hall without any trouble at all. A deep beat was pulsing through the water outside of the underwater building. Disco lights streamed from the windows. As they approached the door, it was flung open and a clearly inebriated zora with a lampshade on his head was forcefully ejected. Once outside, he threw his arms up in the air. "WHOOOO! YEAH MAN!" He then waved at Link. "Mikau! Like, dude! Are you sober already? How'd that happen? You, like, drank two barrels of seaweed ale, man. Man, you need to go back inside! The party's just gettin' started! Shots! Shots! Shots!" He then weaved back inside, yelling something about how nobody better be in his room.

Against Tatl's advice, Link followed him. The hall was filled with clothed zoras, which was strange because zoras usually prefer full nudity for easier swimming. "MIKAU! DUDE! We're getting crazy in here! Look at Ruto! She has pants on! YEAHH! PUT IT ON!" All of the dancing zoras seemed to recognize Link, or Mikau, rather. He was welcomed everywhere he went; drinks were being shoved into his hands and girls were batting their eyelids at him. Tatl was thoroughly disgusted by the debauchery around her until a male zora sidled up next to Link and elbowed him in the ribs. "Who's the sweet fairy chick you've got with you? Whoo, Lulu's gonna be jealous."

Tatl, slightly flattered, blushed a small fairy blush. However, she quickly recomposed herself and settled on Link's shoulder. "We need to find Lulu! Mikau said her eggs were missing. We should…I dunno…help or something. Maybe that will lead us to the next temple."

The complimentary zora from before furrowed his fishy brow. "What temple? You mean the Great Bay Seaweed Ale Bottling Facility?"

Tatl narrowed her eyes. "Hmm. Sure."

"Yeah, man, I remember touring that place in seventh grade. Good times, man. Good times. That was back before they changed the drinking age from twelve to thirteen. Darn government trying to ruin our fun. There is nothing wrong with a little seaweed ale. Like, I don't even change when I'm drunk, I just act like normal and-" He then fell over a keg and remained still. Tatl checked his pulse.

"Hey, is Hiromi alright? He looks pretty wasted."

"He's just resting. In peace." Tatl looked nervous. "Link. We need to go. Now. Why does this keep happening? What is wrong with you?"

Link took a swig of ale and saluted his dead friend. "Not helpful Link! We're finding Lulu! Now!"

A tipsy zora female laughed. "Did you say you were looking for Lulu? She's upstairs. Party pooper. We locked her on the back porch so she couldn't call the popo."

"But wait, didn't she lose her voice? I heard she was mute," jingled Tatl.

The zora girls giggled bubbly giggles. "Yeah, so?"

"How would she call the…ah to heck with it. Come on Link." She pulled him by the hat towards the back porch. Link made peace signs to all the girls before being dragged out of sight. They blew him kisses and made 'call me' signs to him. "Fish hos. Stay away from them, Link. You can do better. They'll just take you for all your seashells and leave you behind. Don't be That Guy." Link replied with a 'but...but…I want…' face. Tatl just glared and threw open the door to the back porch.

A relatively pretty zora in a purple dress stood facing the ocean, hands clasped before her. She turned at the sound of the door, but flushed and turned away when she noticed that it was Mikau. From behind the door, many male zoras had gathered and were whispering to who they thought was Mikau. "Mikau! No! Don't knock her up again! You'll have, like, fourteen eggs man! Quit thinking with your gonopodium! Think with your brain!" Link opened the door and slammed it in their faces again. "Ow!" They moaned. "Fine, knock her up. But we ain't helping with the tadpoles! Heck no! Man, where's the ale?"

Link looked at Tatl. Tatl looked at Link. They both then looked at the miserable Lulu who turned away again, flushed and embarrassed. Link took a couple of awkward steps toward her and patted her clumsily on the shoulder. A hint of a sad smile flashed across her face and she searched his face for the honesty she once saw in him. Tatl, being female, understood Lulu's woes and vowed to keep Link as far away from her as possible. For one, he was bound to hurt her feelings again. Also, they were looking at each other far too tenderly.

Tatl didn't like that. Made her think of her ex-boyfriend. She dropped down between them and got in Lulu's face. "So. Eggs. I hear you're missing some. Luckily we are egg-hunting egg-sperts. Haha. Get it? Egg-sperts?"

Lulu didn't laugh.

"You're no fun. Anyway, Lin...uh…Mikau…and I have some unfinished searching to do. So don't you give up. We're gonna go beat the eggs out of the pirates. After all, Mikau told me that you're "The One." He loved, eh, loves you. A lot. Enough to die instead of hurting your feelings. Right Mikau?"

Link was gone. Lulu, tearing up, turned back to look at the ocean. She snuffled silently. Tatl was now more irritated with Link than ever. She tore back through the door and flew into the main hall to find Link throwing back shots with a zora girl in each arm. One of the girls had large blue eyes and wore a pendant of three sapphire stones connected by gold.

"LINK. HAVE YOU NO SENSE? GET YOUR FISH TAIL OUT OF HERE. WE HAVE EGGS TO FIND." Tatl yelled at him.

Link rolled his eyes and dropped a kiss on each girl's hand. "Oh, Mikau," the blue-eyed zora said. "You look so familiar…like my fiancé back in Hyrule…he's so handsome! Just like you! I can't wait to marry him and make him build me a hall like this one."

Link's eyes widened. He quickly scooted away from the girl and hurried towards the exit. Tatl followed him, glad he was finally being serious. "What are you talking about? Who's Ruto?" she asked once they were outside. "Never mind? Fine. Keep your secrets."


	10. Fear and Loathing in the Great Bay

_Did some work on this chapter and replaced it so enjoy!_

_I just love Link._

CHAPTER TEN: Fear and Loathing in the Great Bay

The Pirate's Fortress was so intimidating it was hard to miss; it was a solid iron and brick wall with cannons peeping out, just waiting to deep-six any unfortunate zora who happened to be swimming towards it. It had been there for years and years. There was an old zora legend about Rubo the Great, a zora chieftain who attempted to take them a keg of seaweed ale as a welcoming present. Neither the chieftain nor the ale ever returned.

Link was starting to feel a happy buzz from all the seaweed ale he had imbibed. His tailfin felt a little numb. "You better watch out," Tatl warned. "You're heading right towards the Fortress wall…they're a little trigger-happy around here." Link waved her off and continued on his merry nautical way. He finally stopped at the front gates and leaned his face against the wooden posts to peer inside. From behind, Tatl saw his tail twitch. "'We're so going in there, man?' What's made you so gung-ho all of a sudden, huh?"

She fluttered over to the gates and looked to where his slanty gaze was pointed. A tan, redheaded, mostly-naked female pirate stood on sentry near the gate, holding a big, long, spear. "Oh. OHHHH. So that's it. You nasty man. Well. You ain't getting near that. They don't take kindly to the likes of you around here. What's wrong with you? You're a zora. And you're male. DON'T TELL ME HOW MALE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. Get away from that gate!"

Tatl pondered the situation at hand for a moment and came to a firm decision. "Link. I think it's better for ALL of us if you stay outside while I go in and get the eggs. Give me your bottles." Link's fishy face fell fast. His shoulders drooped and he stared at her pleadingly. "No," Tatl said. "Sit. Stay. You can look through the gate all you want to, but no touchy-touchy, you hear? You break it, you buy it." She floated up over the wall, but looked over her shoulder at the loincloth-clad zora once more. He was actually behaving himself and leaning against the wall. She had to admit that he cut an impressive figure in the shadows, what with Mikau's abs and pecs and all. But why was he always wearing just a loincloth? It was a thought to ruminate over as she searched for the eggs.

As a female, Tatl had unlimited access to the Fortress. She swooped in, snatched up four eggs, and even managed to hide them behind her wings while she talked girl talk with an idle pirate. "I mean, like seriously, I keep telling Aveil that this purple just doesn't go with my particular shade of hair but she doesn't care because she gets to wear white because she's a 'special pirate captain'!"

"I know, right? I just hate girls like that!" Tatl agreed heartily.

The pirate girl flipped her hair prissily. "Well, the joke's on her because it makes her butt look SO big. And, like, not in the good, ghetto way either. Hey, we just found this really hot zora man sneaking around! It's been so long since we had a fresh man! We decided to throw him a party in the basement. Wanna come have a drink with us?"

Tatl's eyes narrowed. "Is he wearing a green loincloth?"

"Not anymore!" The pirate giggled.

As soon as Tatl fluttered in the door of the basement, something soft and green hit her. Trapped under it on the floor, Tatl shivered. It couldn't be. It wouldn't be. IT WAS. It was Link's hat. _But he never takes off his hat around me…_she thought sadly. As soon as she peeked out from under the cloth, she regretted it. Link apparently had lost his qualms about taking anything off and was reclining quite contentedly on a plushy purple couch, being fanned by two blushing pirates holding palm branches and being fed grapes by a white-clad pirate Tatl could only assume was Aveil. The pirate from before had been right. The white DID make her butt look big. And not in the good way.

Link's pupils were dilated from the excess of seaweed ale, but they managed to dilate a bit further as she flew up in a tizzy. "My gosh, pull yourself together man! How much have you had to drink?"

Link snickered, burped, and tapped Aveil. Aveil pinked in the cheeks and bowed before Tatl, offering her a grape. "Any friend of this fine speciMAN of fish manhood is a friend of ours. Please use this grape to nourish yourself."

Tatl took the grape, looked at Aveil and the exposed thongs around her, and leered.

Ten minutes later, the two of them were booted over the wall and out of the fortress. "AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK!" Aveil shouted. The other pirates wept noisily into surprisingly lacy handkerchiefs. "We won't forget you, Zora Man! If you can get away, meet us at the Great Bay Bottling Facility for some fun!" A couple of the girls fainted in the sand behind the gate.

Link glared at his fairy companion. "What? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with grapes? You mean all the screams weren't screams of undiluted pleasure? You don't say…" She grouchily turned around and flitted off into the distance. Link unhappily followed. "Besides. I got the eggs like we wanted. But there were only four of them. Aren't there supposed to be seven? They said what now? An eel stole the other three near Pinnacle Rock? Oh good grief. What do I look like, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? This is like the time my ex-boyfriend lost his pet fighting cricket and I had to…" her voice faded as space grew between she and Link. Link had stopped because something was wriggling in his hat. He snatched it off and stuck his arm shoulder-deep into it. When his hand re-emerged, it was clutching a shiny, golden seahorse. At first he thought it was just the ale playing tricks on his mind. The seahorse wore a sickeningly sunshiny smile. "…and I spent FOUR DAYS taking out all the plumbing just for…Link…are you talking to a seahorse?"

The seahorse swam behind Link. Link looked at Tatl. Tatl looked at Link. "What do you mean, it needs more space? Quit speaking gibberish, you were never a Junior Starfish when you were younger. How do I know that? Look at yourself!" Nevertheless, she backed away grumpily. "Ask him where the talking eel went and we'll burn his house to the ground! Sorry. I meant, ask him where the talking eel went OR we'll burn his house to the ground."

Link and the golden, smiling seahorse had a deep, heart-to-aquatic-heart conversation. Finally the seahorse took off in a southern direction, followed closely by Link who motioned for Tatl to join them. "Oh, now you want me. Men. I bet that seahorse is a guy, too."

The seahorse swerved around rocks and led them through arches, always following a southwestern course. Eventually the water grew murkier and the seaweed thicker. Finally the seahorse stopped. Tatl could see a deep, dark cavern extending straight down into the ocean floor. Link, through his drunken haze, saw a black blob. He held on to some seaweed next to him, as the ocean seemed to be turning upside down. The seahorse whickered and Link motioned drunkenly towards the pit. "They live in there?" Tatl asked in a hushed voice. Link nodded and had to clutch the seaweed to keep himself from falling over. "Look, buddy. Pirates are one thing. Big, ugly sea snakes are another. I'm not doing this one. No way. You get your drunken tail down there and get the eggs. Take your sunny friend with you."

Link swaggered back a bit then awkwardly nodded his head, almost losing his hat in the process. After he jammed it back on his head, he turned to the seahorse for guidance. It spoke in high-pitched squeaks. Link turned back to look at Tatl and stopped cold. His eyes dilated even more, if possible. A couple of bubbles issued from beneath his loincloth. The seahorse squealed and flew back into his hat.

"What?" Tatl asked. "Wait. Oh, no. I see right through you, buddy boy. You're trying to trick me! You want me to think there's something behind me so you can run away and leave the dirty business to me! My ex-boyfriend used to do that to me and I can promise you I'm not falling for that again!"

The pleasant smell of hot tea and crumpets wafted past her nose. "What did those pirates put in your hat?" She turned around. A monstrous, green eel with a monocle and very bad teeth floated behind her. A couple of bubbles issued from beneath her wings. "Why I say, old chap, what is a fine lady like yourself doing in these parts, eh? God save the Queen! Say, would you like some seaweed gin? Poured myself a spot of gin and tea, I did, and was just enjoying it. Care for a crumpet? One for the chav in the green there behind you?"

He spoke with a distinct English accent. Tatl's fears melted in his soothing, foreign voice. "Oh. Hi. We were just looking for some eggs that were taken from the Pirate Fortress earlier. Have you seen them around here anywhere?"

The English eel was chuffed to bits. "Why yes, little ma'am, I have. Took them myself this morning, I did."

"Oh. How fortunate. Can we have them? We need them for…something. I guess."

The eel lowered his face to hers and inspected her through his monocle. "Goodness me. Those eggs were quite hard to come by…but you know what I like better than eggs? Kippered seahorse. Tha's a quite fine meal, that is. Wouldn't happen to have a taste of that, would you? That'd be a good girl."

Tatl jingled. "Well it just so happens that we do."

"Oh jolly good! God save the Queen!"

"Link! Give me the seahorse," she yelled back to Link, who was lying prone on the seabed, clutching the sand for dear life. He looked up and shook his head groggily. "This is no time for your games. Give me the seahorse." Link plopped his head back down in the sand, face-first. Tatl strolled over and plucked the seahorse from his hat.

It screeched. "Sorry, kid. Hear that? Old Saint Peter is singin' for you."

"God save Saint Peter!"

"Indeed, indeed. Look. Here's your seahorse. Go kipper him or…whatever you do with your food. I don't judge." Tatl waved goodbye to the now-frowning seahorse before he disappeared into the eel's dentally-challenged mouth.

The eel sighed contentedly. "That was jolly tasty. I could go for a smoke about now. Want a fag?"

"Um. No. Listen. We just want those eggs. Can we have them now, please? For the Queen?"

"God save her! Anything for the Queen!" The eel swam away in a flash. He returned momentarily and spat out an egg onto Link's back.

Tatl looked at it for a moment. "That's great but there are supposed to be three. Where are the other two?"

The eel backed away in horror. "Blimey! You wanted all three?"

"DUH."

"Well, terribly sorry my dear, but I had two sunny-side up just this morning with a lovely bit of biscuit and jam. I've just the one."

Tatl deflated. "You ATE them?"

"Isn't that what you're supposed to do with eggs, love? Fry them in some butter with a dash of salt?"

Tatl turned around and grabbed Link by the loincloth. "We're leaving. Five will be enough, right?" He shrugged and swatted at some plankton. She towed him back towards shore.

Behind them, the English eel raised a top hat in farewell. "Good day to you, Miss and little drunken chav, and GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!"


	11. Alepocalypse

_Just finished my first semester of college. I can't believe I started this fic when I was in middle school…_

_Gosh, my brother and I need to write faster haha. _

_Thanks to all who have stuck with us so far! We're almost there!_

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Ale-pocalypse

**-Night of the Last Day-**

**-12 Hrs Remain-**

Lulu stared over the expanse of the Western Ocean, watching the darkening sky and ignoring the whoops of merriment from inside the building. The moon was inching ever closer and Lulu was smart enough to realize that her time was running low. All she could hope for at this point was to spend her last hours with her newly-hatched children and her one and only love, Mikau. Although some whipped cream flavored seaweed vodka would be nice too. She folded her arms and shuddered as the world glowed around her. The bright colors were proof that the moon had entered the atmosphere and would soon flatten the world into a fine Terminian goo.

Suddenly Link popped out of the ocean, followed by Tatl. Lulu was so happy to see who she thought was her boyfriend that she dropped to her knees and held out her arms in a silent loving gesture. Link scrambled up on the platform where she stood and looked at her. Tatl floated up near his ear. "Psssst. This is where you hug her," she whispered, prodding him in the back.

Link knelt down beside her and fell into her arms. As much as Tatl disliked seeing him with other women, she had to admit that it was a touching scene. Once released, Link reached into his hat and pulled out the five rescued eggs. Lulu cocked her head and held up seven fingers with a puzzled face. Tatl fluttered uncertainly. "I think she's asking why there aren't seven eggs, Link," she said in an aside to her companion. "Well, Lulu, here's the deal. We found all seven eggs but this…lovely English…gentle-eel…decided to…adopt two of them. He really couldn't be trifled with. He thought it would lower your stress. Tadpoles can be really draining, you know. He also adopted a seahorse, so they'll have company. Really nice chap. You'd like him."

Lulu would rather have had all seven, but decided to treasure the remaining five eggs that she now held in her arms. Her tears of happiness dripped onto their shells as she rocked them back and forth. She would have sang to them, but her voice hadn't returned yet. As she was thinking these thoughts, she noticed that Link/Mikau still had his guitar strapped to his back. She excitedly motioned to the guitar and then pointed to the eggs. "She wants you to play them a song, Link," Tatl explained.

Link was surprised, but pulled out his guitar and strummed a few notes. Nothing happened. Link looked at Tatl. Tatl looked at Link. Warmed by their proximity to their mother, the eggs started to vibrate. Lulu almost dropped them in her shock. One by one, the eggs split open and tiny zora tadpoles dropped to the floor and started flopping around, gasping for breath. Link kicked them into the water. Lulu gasped silently, slapped Link, and dove in after them.

A giant freaking turtle surfaced a minute or two after Lulu had jumped into the water. "Hey jackwagon, are you the one that kicked that nice Zora lady's tadpoles? Shame on you! I know you saved their lives and all, but one has a concussion now! What's wrong with you?" Link shrugged. The turtle shook its head. "Anyway, I was just on my way to the Great Bay Seaweed Ale Bottling Facility and thought I'd pop my head up and see who made the Zora lady cry."

Tatl flew over to the turtle, who, for some reason, had two palm trees growing on his back. "Hey, do you know anything about the Great Bay Temple?"

"The what? Oh, you mean the Bottling Facility I was just talking about? Not much of a temple if you ask me, though the natives around here certainly do worship it."

"Yeah, I guess that's it," Tatl replied. "Since you're already going there, would you mind if we tagged along?"

"I don't mind if _you_ come," the turtle answered, "but I don't know about the tadpole-kicking buttwipe over there." Link was taken aback. "Seriously, man, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself."

Tatl bobbed her head in a sort of apologetic agreement. "He's a pain, I know, but I've come to…appreciate his antics. He's really not such a bad guy when you get to know him. Give him another chance, hey?"

The turtle studied Link for a while, then turned around so the palm trees on his back were closer to the two. "Alright, then," he said. "Hop on and I'll drop you off when we get there." Tatl gave Link a see-what-I-do-for-you look and floated onto the turtle's back. Link followed, looking reluctantly down into the water for any trace of Lulu as he stepped onto the turtle shell.

How the young zoras swam to the Great Bay Seaweed Ale Bottling Facility was a mystery to Tatl, because it was so far away from Termina that she couldn't even see the shore when they arrived. The turtle dropped them off at the visitor's entrance, glared at Link once more, then disappeared below the water. Tatl and Link turned around to face the visitor's entrance. The ticket counter was unmanned and the sign above the doors had been covered in gonopodium graffiti. Their attention was diverted from the artwork by the sudden appearance of a horde of pirates inside the clear glass doors.

They poured out the door and dragged Link inside. "Oh, you came! You actually came!" They cheered. It was the same girls who had promised Link back at the Pirate Fortress that they would be waiting for him at the Bottling Facility, and here they were, true to their words. "You deserve to be treated extra-special tonight, you big Zora man!"

Tatl flew in between Link and the head girl. "Oh no, no, no, Link and I have big plans tonight. He's coming with me."

"'Plans?' What 'plans' could this hunk possibly have with you? You're that fairy from before, aren't you? You're the one that shoved that grape up Aveil's ketsunoana! We all had latrine duty because of that!" The pirates gathered around Tatl, who grew more and more nervous. "You're trying to keep this sexy fish all for yourself! GET HER!" Tatl tried to make a break for it, but was seized by one of the larger pirates and shoved into a glass bottle. She looked around for Link, but he was being distracted by the other pirates.

The pirate laughed unpleasantly as Tatl smacked against the sides of the bottle, trying to escape. She shoved a cork in the top of the bottle and placed it and Tatl on a moving conveyor belt behind her, then ran off to join the other girls. Tatl now knew how the Deku Princess felt. The conveyor belt was covered in other bottles, some of which were clear; others were green and brown. They were filled with Seaweed Ale at differing places along the assembly line. The belt looped through the facility and Tatl got a pretty good tour of the fascinating process through which Seaweed Ale was made.

The tour ended when she was unceremoniously dropped off the conveyor belt into a bin of filled and corked bottles of ale. A huge, scary fish was floating on the surface of the water surrounding the conveyor belt, picking up the bottles one by one and inspecting them for quality before transferring them to another conveyor belt that led to the packing room. His nametag read: "GYORG: Masked Gargantuan Fish, Quality Inspector." Tatl felt herself being lifted and turned to stare directly into Gyorg's eyes. "What the devil is this?" he asked. "It's a fairy! I love fairies! With ketchup. Mmmmm. Dinner."

Tatl realized that Gyorg wanted to snack on her and screamed shrilly. Gyorg stuck a fin inside the bottle and fished around for her. She slapped the fin and flew in circles inside the bottle, shrieking. Voices piped up outside the door. Gyorg seemed to recognize them, paled, popped the cork back on Tatl's bottle and left her floating in the water as he hid in a corner behind some shipping containers. The door to the room bust open and the British eel from before stormed in, followed by two companions. "We heard a damsel in distress," he yelled, splashing over to Tatl. "Why, if it's not the little lady who treated me to that bloody delicious seahorse earlier today! Good evening, little miss! Were you making that hellish racket?"

"Yeah, that was me," Tatl replied.

"Well I'm glad I found you! Let me introduce you to my two chaps right here. This is McEel, my fine friend from the forsaken land of Scotland!"

"Where?" Tatl asked.

"It doesn't matter. This is O'Eel, my other fine fish from the also forsaken land of Ireland!"

"Where?" Tatl repeated.

"Never you mind. Have a curry-flavored lollipop," He offered, pulling it and a monocle out of his waist pocket.

Tatl shook her head. "Nah…I'm good."

"Right-o. My lads and I had run out of the old Seaweed Gin and had just come for a quick pick-me-up when we heard your cries. We were going to share some fish and chips tonight, would you like to join us? Our only problem is we don't have any fish, you see." The eel placed the monocle delicately in his eye. "You wouldn't happen to know where I can find a wee taste of fish, would you?"

"Actually, there's a big one hiding over there, behind those boxes. He tried to eat me earlier. That's why I was screaming." Tatl pointed to the shipping boxes.

"Some big wanker tried to eat you? What a git!" He turned around slowly. Gyorg poked his head out from the around the boxes and retreated again when he glimpsed the eel. The eel swam over to the shipping boxes and looked behind them. "A FISH!" he yelled, his monocle falling out of his eye. "COME ON LADS! TO THE HUNT! WE SHALL HAVE FISH TONIGHT!" His eel friends joined him behind the shipping boxes and horrifying screams ensued.

Tatl watched curiously until tendrils of blood began curling out from behind the shipping boxes and floated towards her. The water turned red and Tatl got sick and promptly hopped her bottle out the door. A few scales floated past the bottle and she hopped faster. She jumped the bottle onto another conveyor belt and left the gory scene. As she left, she heard a voice yell, "Goodbye, little miss and God save YOU!"

The conveyor belt carried her through the packing room and past a flight of stairs labeled "exit this way." She inched the bottle off the belt, then fell down the stairs, smashing the bottle and freeing herself. "What a nightmare," she shivered. Where was Link? She needed to find him so they could leave. There was nothing exciting in this facility.

After searching many rooms, Tatl finally found the pirates and Link, all of whom were passed out asleep on the floor. Link's loincloth hung from the ceiling fan, which was turning in lazy circles. _What a nice gonopodium_, Tatl thought, locating Link. She flew over the pirates' heads to her friend and shook him awake. "Come on!" She said quietly. "Let's get out of here! I've searched this facility and there's nothing for us to do. Are you done with your life of hedonism?"

Link nodded and pulled himself up. He found his hat, his loincloth, his guitar, his boots, his socks, his belt, and his gloves among the pirates and headed for the door. He started to take his mask off, but Tatl stopped him. "We still have to swim back to shore, dummy."

The pair left the Bottle Facility and immediately slipped into the ocean. "Let's go back to Termina," Tatl said. "I've had enough of this place. I never really liked the ocean anyway, not after I saw _Jaws_." She followed Link underwater back to the shore. They stayed underwater the entire way back.

Once they reached the beach, Tatl flew happily out of the water and immediately bounced off a big rock wall. "What in the? What is this thing? This wasn't here before." Link stuck his head out of the water and looked up. Although they were floating in the ocean, all they could see from five feet above them was rock, stretching across the entire sky. Tatl looked over towards the beach and became aware that everything was on fire. She was getting uncomfortably warm herself. "Oh. OH. OHHHHHHHHH. Oops. The moon." The moon had fallen and crushed the entire land of Termina, enveloping it in flames. "Link! How could you forget to reset the time and stop the moon? You're the most miserable hero I've ever met!" Link made a sassy face. "Well I'm not the one with the ocarina, am I? Now look what you've done! It killed Bill the pony!" Link got really sad and pulled out his guitar. "I don't know if it's too late! What do I look like, Shigeru Miyamoto? Try it anyway and see what happens."

Link pulled off his mask and returned to his shrimpy Hylian form, then plucked his ocarina from his hat. He stared at it, trying to remember that one song… Tatl sat impatiently on his shoulder. "Hurry up!" Link glared at her. "I know they ain't getting any deader, but we may if you don't think of that song quick!" Link put the ocarina to his lips and tootled a few notes. Nothing happened. Tatl sighed and pulled out the Majora's Mask cheatbook she'd found in the Deku Princess's back pocket. "Look here. It's right, A, down. Right, A, down. That's the song. Play it."

Link followed the notes on the page and the two were sucked into a swirling vortex of time, popping out in bright daylight in Clock Town. The moon was safely back up in the sky and the townsfolk were milling about contentedly.

**-Dawn of the First Day-**

**-72 Hrs Remain-**

"You're ridiculous, you know that?" Tatl asked. Link smiled at Tatl. Tatl smiled at Link. "Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. All we've got left is the canyon and we're gonna do…something there, I guess. I dunno. Let's go find out."


	12. I Tickled a Bombchu BEFORE it was Cool

_Sorry that it has taken so long to put up a new chapter…college has crushed my spirit and kept me from seeing my brother so we could work on this together. But, whatever the case, here you go! I hope you enjoy it!_

_I wrote this chapter BEFORE it was cool_

CHAPTER TWELVE: I Tickled a Bombchu Before it was Cool

"So we've already gone to the Southern Swamp, the Northern Mountain, and the Western Ocean. You see a pattern here, Link? No? Well, I have a hunch that we need to go to the East now." Tatl said while bobbing above Link's head.

Link snapped his fingers and nodded as he suddenly understood what she was saying. He ran up to the Town Directory and examined the picture. Not being one for maps, he triumphantly pointed to the north. "No," Tatl said. Link drooped and looked at the map again. Again, he puffed himself up and pointed to the west. "No! It's this way! I said EAST, not WEEST." She fluttered off towards the south. "Come on!"

Standing in some tall grass and staring at the sign that said "Southern Swamp this way," Tatl realized that they were both directionally challenged. "Don't you say a word, Link. Wait…nevermind. Let's just walk around Clock Town until we find it." Thus the two set off in a clockwise direction around Clock Town. They passed the Western Ocean and the Northern Mountain before finding a sign that read "Eastern Canyon this way." Exhausted, they flopped down by its wooden post. After resting for a few moments, Tatl lifted her head to see the sign for the Southern Swamp ten feet away. They had walked all the heck the way around Clock Town for no good reason.

The two happily trotted down the path towards the Eastern Canyon, feeling good about themselves because this was (supposedly) the last place Tael had told them about. "We've survived everything so far. What could go wrong here?" A loud blast from beside Tatl stopped her short. "Hey, what was that? Link? …Link?" She had been so focused on getting this crap over with that she hadn't been paying attention to where they were going and what was around. Upon further scrutiny, she recognized the squeak of bombchus running haywire all over the canyon floor. Link was no where to be found. As she could fly, the bombchus couldn't reach her. "Link you boob, where did you go?" She looked all around herself, then suddenly stopped short. Link's hat was plastered against a rock, covered in blood. "Whoah, whoah, what's going on?" She flew over to the hat and examined it with revulsion.

Something was on the ground beside the rock. She approached it with growing horror to discover…it was Link's hand. "!" She screamed, backing away until she hit something behind her. Something squishy. It was Link's foot. She flew in circles, screaming. It appeared that Link had met an unfortunate end when he tried to tickle a bombchu under the chin. He was now quite literally chuffed to bits. She grew dizzy from panic, but sighted a speck of blue in the distance. Dodging wayward pieces of Link, she reached it and found that it was his ocarina, miraculously still intact, unlike its owner. Desperate, she pulled it up and tootled a few notes. Instantly she was sucked into a vortex of time.

The vortex spat her out on the front steps of the Clock Tower, next to a bemused Link. He had a slight headache and was disoriented, but otherwise seemed to be all in one piece. Not wishing to repeat their unfortunate encounter with the bomb-bearing rodents, Tatl kept a strict eye on her charge as they hurried down the path again to the Eastern Canyon. "Remember, Link, no touchy-touchy. I tried that with my ex-boyfriend once and it didn't work. You keep to the rule or I'll give you the same I gave him and you don't want that. Trust me."

The bombchus were duly avoided and they passed through a pair of pillars to arrive in the main area of the Eastern Canyon. It was a wide-open area, choked with dust. Boulders and dead trees obscured their gaze deeper into the expanse, but they could see well enough to make out the outline of a giant tower in the distance. The only other apparent living creatures were some crows bickering over a dead bombchu. A foul stench was in the air, causing Link to cover his nose with his sleeve. Garish music was floating on the wind, coming from a dilapidated house on the path in front of them. Link motioned Tatl forward and approached the house. He was hungry and perhaps they had a snack or a clean bathroom.

Unfortunately, upon approaching the house, they realized that it was surrounded by gibdos, lurching in formation around the building. Two gibdos were turning a giant water wheel on the side of the house, producing the awful music. While standing and plotting how to gain access to the house, Tatl and Link were interrupted by the appearance of a cloaked figure. "I, the Garo, challenge you to a duel!"

Tatl shook her head. "No."

The Garo stopped short. "Wait…what do you mean 'no?'"

"I don't have time for your tomfoolery."

"But…but we have to duel."

"No, we don't."

The Garo looked shocked and lowered his weapons. "We…we don't? But…but it's…it's tradition. We _always_ duel…this…this can't be happening. Who…who am I? What do I stand for? What is my life about? Wait…I don't have a life! I'm dead! Oh GOD! NO!"

Tatl waved her hands. She was interested in this poor fellow's obvious existential crisis. "Man, you need to calm yourself down. Look, if it's that big a deal to you, we can duel. I'm just saying that this little green fellow right here has been hit by a bombchu and survived. Think about that."

The Garo studied Link skeptically. "Are you real? What is real? I just don't know any more…"

"I really don't think you're fit to be handling those weapons in the state of mind you're in right now. You should put them down."

"But how will we duel?"

"There are alternate methods." Tatl scratched her chin. "Let's use riddles. In the dark."

The Garo thought, then nodded slowly. "I approve of this plan."

"Alright, then. Good stuff. I'll be a sir and let you go first." She settled herself on Link's shoulder and Link plopped himself on the ground.

"Listen carefully. _A nightmare for some, for others as a savior I come. My hands, cold and bleak, it's the warm hearts they seek_. Answer my riddle."

Tatl ho-hummed and fidgeted on Link's shoulder, thinking hard. Having gotten an A+ in riddles at Fairy University, she quickly jumped to an answer. "Death," she said, snapping her fingers. "that's the answer."

Slightly taken aback, the Garo bowed in response. "You are correct. Your turn."

While she was good at answering riddles, she had always been utter bollocks at coming up with them. She searched and searched her memory, but couldn't for the life of her come up with a suitable riddle. Finally she, in desperation, said, "What have I got in my pocket?"

The Garo stared. "That's not a riddle."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not!"

"Look buddy, did you graduate from Fairy University with a minor in Riddles, Limericks, and Deceptive Languages? 'Cuz I did, and that is a riddle."

The Garo, impressed by her credentials (and who had only gotten his GEDD, General-Education-in-Death-Delivery) shrugged and accepted it. He thought, mused, and scrambled his brains, but couldn't figure out what Tatl had in her pocket. He thought about the things he kept in his own pockets-swords, poison, matches, a bag of chips…what would a fairy have in her pocket? His mind drifted away to fairies frolicking in moonlit fields…it made him nauseous. "A magic wand?"

"Really? Way to be racist. What, just because I'm a fairy I have to carry around a sparkling wand? What's your next guess? Pixie dust? Happy thoughts? Quarters?"

Those were all of the Garo's next guesses. Unsteadied, he flopped on the ground. "I give up, Master. You have defeated me."

"Great. What do we win?"

"…win? You're supposed to win something? But…but we've never given anything away for being beat in duels…it's…it's _tradition_…Oh no…what am I…oh no!"

"Look, it's not a big deal. Just…just give us what's in _your _pocket. That seems fair, right?" The Garo emptied out his pockets. The three stared at the tangle of weapons and snack foods littering the ground. Tatl fluttered over the mess. "We'll take those chips, the fruity snacks, and that bag of cheesy poofs. You cool with that? Doesn't matter. We won." She gathered the food up and dragged Link off, leaving the defeated Garo in a puddle of existential panic.

The gibdos hadn't stopped circling the house by the time that Link and Tatl approached. As the pair got even closer, they realized that the gibdos were muttering to each other and not even paying attention to who was nearing. Tatl and Link inclined their ears, listening to the words. "Criminy, what a poser that guy is. One moment he's all human and the next he's wrapping himself up in designer gauze, pretending he _knows_ what's going on in the underground scene," one gibdo said, trudging along angrily.

"You are so right. He needs to go back to his little preppy life with his little preppy daughter, Pamela. We're the true gibdos. We were gibdos BEFORE it was cool. Everyone else is just mainstream posers."

"Like this music. He didn't choose it. I did. I would go tell him what band it is, but he wouldn't know them. Besides, if I told him about it, he'd tell others and then it would go all mainstream and start to sell out and suck. Gosh." One of gibdos artfully arranged the bandages around his leg.

Tatl twitched with anger. She had a special sore spot in her heart for hipster gibdos. "My ex-boyfriend used to hang around with these creeps," she informed Link. "Every day it was like 'your shirt was made in kokiri-labor factories' and 'I only drink artisan organic Lon-Lon milk.' Used to drive me nuts." She flew up to the still-moaning gibdos. "Hey, you! Shut up! No one thinks you're cool and your music sucks!"

All the gibdos froze. "Little mainstream fairy, go back and listen to your Indigo-gos and your Peahat Cavalry Greatest Hits. We don't need your kind here."

"OHH! Well let me tell you something! I-" BOOM. The bickering was interrupted by a massive explosion that blew them all backwards.

Amidst the debris that was now raining down on their heads, the gibdos and Tatl looked up to see Link looking a little charred, staring at the remains of what was once the house. He held the end of a match in his hand. "What? What is this? What did you do to our music? That was a special-edition record, man!" One of the gibdos threw his cigarette (that he couldn't smoke but held because it made him feel cool) on the ground.

Link shrugged and pointed to the house. Tatl said, "He really had to use the bathroom and just thought he'd blow a little hole in the door. But he lit a POWDER KEG instead of a BOMB and just BLEW THE WHOLE HOUSE UP because he's an IDIOT."

The gibdos gingerly stepped over flaming chunks of wood and entered the smoldering ruins. Pamela's poser dad was nowhere to be seen, nor was Pamela. "Whoah. That guy blew the poser away! What an anti-conformist! Don't let that fairy hold you back! You light all the powder kegs you want! Yeah!" They surrounded Link, to his everlasting terror, and patted him on the back. "Here, little green rebel. We have free-range gifts for you!"

"What? No! He just murdered two people! You soulless creatures!" Tatl yelled, bobbing over their heads. One of the taller gibdos pulled an eco-friendly biodegradable bottle out of his wrappings and shoved Tatl into it. She beat on the sides of the bottle and stamped her feet. "Not again!"

Link was starting to feel at home with his new non-poser friends. Maybe Tatl really WAS a poser, trying to turn him into a clone of the Man. Society was always trying to bring him down. These gibdos…they understood. They could all fight the good fight together, in their new free-labor wrappings and converse sneakers. To welcome him into the brotherhood of Anti-Conformity, the gibdos presented him with the gibdo mask and some free-range chai latte tea. Three of them appeared from behind the wreckage, dragging something huge. "We have a special surprise for you! This is totally underground. You can't find it anywhere." They parted to reveal a gigantic dodongo skull. "This is the skull of King Dodongo, killed in Hyrule. He was such an anti-conformist until the Man found him and silenced his voice." Link fidgeted awkwardly. "His soul lives on in you, new friend. Let his spirit keep you from becoming a cookie-cutter hero."

Link suddenly decided that he liked being a conformist and really didn't want the skull of his former enemy, he being the one that killed King Dodongo in Hyrule and all. He grabbed the bottle containing Tatl, the free-range chai latte tea, and the gibdo mask, and started backing up. He pointed to the skull, then motioned to all of the gibdos. "He's letting us keep it for him! What a free spirit! Way to deny materialism and not fit the stereotype!" Tatl vomited in her bottle. Link noticed, popped the cork off, and poured some of the tea in the bottle for her, then closed it again. Tatl, now floating in free-range chai latte tea, vomited again. The tea tasted too anti-conformist.

Bottle in hand, Link headed off towards the huge tower in the distance, hoping desperately that they would have clean restrooms. That free-range stuff went right through him. The gibdos yelled after him, their voices whipped away by the sour wind, "Remember! We gave you the skull BEFORE it was cool!"

oOoOo

_Since everyone seems to be having a hard time thinking of reviews for this fanfiction (except for you, LinkFangirl, we like you), Andrew and I thought we'd come up with a few ideas for you. All you have to do is copy and paste them into the review box! It's so simple! No thinking required! _

Review 1: I like this story and it was funny.

Review 2: I like the part where he blew up. It was funny.

Review 3: hey guyz i just thogt id say that i lyked the part where the house got boomed. it gave me lotz of lolz.

Review 4: I thought this story really captures the essence of the inner monologue…the debate between what is tradition and what is right. Those two are rarely the same thing. This story takes the train of existential thought and reflects it back upon ourselves…we are all the Garo, actually. It was funny.

Review 5: lol

Review 6: kthnx

_Moral of the story, folks. Don't read without reviewing. It makes us sad._


	13. MOM! TACO!

_Woohoo! Another update! Andrew and I are on a role!_

_THANK YOU GLORIOUS PEOPLE FOR REVIEWING!_

_It made us very happy!_

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: One Flew Over the Stone Tower Temple

The fumes of the free-range chai latte tea were overwhelming Tatl more and more with every step Link took and she weakly knocked on the side of the bottle, asking to be let out. Finally Link stopped and uncorked the bottle, letting Tatl flap her way out into the open air. "Geez, stupid hipsters and their stupid tea. Don't ever let me be put into a bottle again! You know I hate that!" She pinched Link's ear and fluttered around his head as they continued to walk. Ten minutes later, the pair passed a round circle of stones with a hole in the middle. "Hey, Link, stop for a second. That looks like a well. Maybe you should go down into the well and see if there's anything of use down there."

Link squinted his eyes and gave her a "I'm not sure if you're serious or not" look. Tatl pointed to the well. He trudged over to it and looked into its depths. It was dark, damp, and menacing. Tatl also stared into it. After a few moments of contemplation, Tatl said "You know, you're right. There probably ain't nothing down there worth the time. Carry on." They turned away from the well, making the worst decision in their short adventuring lives, as they missed the fact that the Triforce was just sitting at the bottom of the well, where Tingle had dropped it a few months earlier. Tingle had actually forgotten where he'd left it and had made maps in the hopes that one of them would be right and he could find it again.

Of course, the pair had been traveling the wrong direction, away from Ikana Castle, so they had to hide in bushes and sneak past the hipster gibdos surrounding Pamela's smouldering wreckage of a house. "Ssssh. They can sense your conformity." Tatl whispered, dodging leaves and branches.

Sure enough, one of the gibdos raised his bandaged head and sniffed the air. "I smell conformity, guys. There's a poser afoot in them woods." The two in the bushes hurried on even faster.

The Ancient Castle of Ikana was big. Its stone walls rose imposingly above their heads. When Link tried to see the top, he got dizzy and fell over onto the scrubby greenery carpeting the sand. Moss grew all over the old stones, inhabiting all the nooks and crannies where time had bitten into the grandeur that was the castle. It was impregnable. A thousand armies had tried over the years to take this castle but none succeeded. Luckily, the front door was open so Tatl and Link walked right in without so much as a by-your-leave.

The castle was as gloomy inside as it was outside, with checkerboard floors and gray walls. Moans echoed down the hallways. Tatl and Link stuck to the wall and slunk down the hall, apprehensive about an unnamable Something that was undoubtedly stalking them. The moans got nearer and nearer. Link's eyes got wider and wider. "Um, Link…remind me…why are we in this castle again?" Link looked at Tatl. Tatl looked at Link. Link shrugged. "Oh, right. We don't know. We don't know why we're doing any of this crap. That's cool. I can roll with that."

A slimy hand reached out from a shadow and grabbed Link by the shoulder. Link screeched and wheeled around to see creatures that might have been spawned from your greatest fears mating with all of your darkest nightmares. _Redeads._ Rotting, putrid, worm-infested corpses that have been reanimated with the blackest form of magic. One look in their hollow eye sockets, one ghastly scream heard, and you are paralyzed, fear rooting you to the ground. The redeads hadn't screamed yet, but Link was already paralyzed, nothing moving except for the enlarging wet spot on his tunic. "You disgust me," Tatl said to him. "And you, dead folk, what do you want?"

The redead answered with a "Uuuuughhhunnh."

"Yeah, he's new around here."

"Uuunnnuuughh."

"Yes, he does smell yummy."

"Uuughuungh?"

"No, I'd really prefer that you don't eat him. He doesn't taste good. His mum called him spoiled."

"Uuuughnghungh…"

"What do you mean, how did we get in here? The front door is wide open."

"Ugh." The redead snapped its head to the side, looking towards the door. Cutting off any further communication, it dragged itself in that direction, moaning to its companions, who followed.

Tatl watched them go. "See, Link, they're really nice fellows after all. You just have to talk to them a little. They wouldn't hurt a fly. Snap out of it, ya meatball, and let's get on with this…adventure or whatever." She herded him towards another door, then stopped and looked back at the redeads shuffling slowly out the front door. "I wonder where they'll go, anyway? Eh, not my business."

Link's tunic had all but dried by the time they reached a huge, ornate door decorated with gold and jewels. As magnificent as it was, it was somewhat diminished by the fact that everything was coated in layers of dust. He pushed on the door, but it was unyielding. He knocked instead, the sound echoing around the castle. "Go away! We don't want any!" yelled a voice from inside. "You don't want any either, I promise!"

Tatl looked down at Link. Link looked up at Tatl. "You're right. We'll have to break it down. You go on ahead and work on that. I'll supervise." Tatl settled herself on a lantern post to watch him. He threw on the Goron mask, pulled a stick of marblejuana out of his hat, struck it against the stone floor, took a long drag, then prepared to punch the door down. "You know, sometimes I wonder if this is right. Like…here are some unknown people inside this room who don't want to be disturbed and we're about to punch the door down. What if they're doing something private, huh? Why do we have the right to barge in?" Link stopped mid-punch and looked at her. "I dunno, Link." Silence. "Aw, hell, punch it in."

Link rammed his giant Goron fist into the door, blowing it open. Immediately two voices piped up from inside again. "Hey! What the fibula do you think you're doing, barging in here?" A third voice also spoke up. "Mom!"

"That ain't your mother, you sack of bones. Hush and sit down!"

"TACO!"

"No! SIT DOWN!"

Two skeletons, one tall and gangly and the other shorter and more robust, lumbered towards Tatl and Link, who had removed the Goron mask. The taller skeleton put his bony hand to his skull. "Look what you've done. You've upset the King. We worked for weeks to get him to a manageable state and poof! In two seconds you've undone all of that!"

"Yeah, we oughta punch you right in the chompers," said the shorter one, stomping behind his companion.

Tatl was confused. "The King? Who are you?"

"MOM!"

"NO!" the taller skeleton yelled, turning towards a throne situated in the back of the room, upon which a much larger skeleton sat, rocking back and forth. "Look Miss, we're the King's attendants. His…therapists, might you say. His nurses. He has…problems. We fix them. We do a good job until buttwipes like you do things like break down our doors and-"

"BUTTWIPE!"

"SHUT UP!" The shorter skeleton hurried back to the King, leaving the tall one to deal with the intruders. "We really can't have visitors at this point in time. He's not coherent enough. Could you please go?"

Tatl pursed her lips. "I don't know if we can go or not."

"What do you mean, you don't know if you can go or not?"

"I just feel like there's something we need to get here."

The skeleton threw his hands up. "There's nothing here! Wait…how'd you get in here, anyway?"

"The front door was open."

"WHAT? Oh, no! Oh sweet baby Din, no!" He skidded across the stone floor to where the King sat and whispered to the other attendant. "Louie, we got a problem!"

"LOUIE!"

"SHUT UP!" Louie yelled back. "What is it?"

"The front door was open!"

"WHAT? SWEET MERCIFUL NAYRU, NO!"

"Do you think _they_ got out?"

"They're smart. It's possible."

"We have to do something." They approached Tatl. "Listen, did you happen upon any redeads? Nasty, rotting fellows?" Link shivered. "That's a yes. Did they say anything?"

"Yeah, sure, they wanted to eat Link here and I said no."

The skeletons clasped their hands together. "Anything _besides_ that?"

"Uh, they asked how I got in."

They froze. "And you said…"

"I told the truth. My ex-boyfriend used to say that the truth would set you free, but he and I had different definitions as to what _free_ meant exactly…and obviously as to what _truth_ meant exactly…"

The skeletons were no longer listening to her. "Oh my Farore. She told them. She told the redeads how to escape. We have to go get them! All of Termina could be in danger!"

Tatl shuffled her feet awkwardly. "Yeah. So, we'll be going now."

Louie came back and shoved his sword in Link's face (despite the fact that Tatl was the one who said it) "Oh, no you don't. YOU'LL stay here and watch the King! And don't you let him out! Last time that happened, he tried to make it rain so much that it would flood the whole world and make all the mountains into islands and stuff. We'd all have to travel around in talking red boats. Bad idea for skeletons."

"What? What do we know about watching defunct royalty?" It was too late. The skeletons had already rushed out the door. "Dadgummit! This is your fault! Why did you break down that door?" Link poked out his lower lip and looked pitiful.

"Mom?"

"No, ya dumb-bone. He ain't your mom and I ain't neither. So shut your face…and eat a cheeseburger or something. You're looking awfully bony…AHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so funny! You're looking 'bony!' You're a skeleton, get it Link?" Tatl laughed. Link cracked up.

The King jumped up from his throne. "See, Mom? You're always saying hurtful things to me! I can't take it! I've got to get out of here!"

"Fine by me." Tatl said, waving him towards the door. "The front door is open. Knock yourself out." With a suspicious look at his ex-captors, the King gathered a few Mario action figures and a weird silver wand from under his throne and loped out the door. Link and Tatl impassively watched him go. "I hope nothing bad comes of this. He really couldn't flood the world, could he? I mean, to do that would require some sort of wind-waking device that would make the clouds rain and…naw, I've never heard of that. Let's go."

The King, the redeads, and the two skeleton attendants were nowhere to be found when they stepped outside the castle. The previously clear sky was growing dark with heavy clouds and thunder could be heard in the distance. "Huh. Coincidence," she said, shrugging it off. "This place was useless. Let's go to that dangerous-looking, super-tall tower thing over there. Surely we'll find something there."

To spare you, the reader, much reading and angst, suffice to say that Tatl and Link eventually climbed the Stone Tower and reached the Stone Tower Temple. By this time, it was raining quite heavily and Tatl was frustrated. "Drat this rain! It never rains here! Stupid Mother Nature knew we were coming! DAMN YOU MOTHER NATURE!" They finally clumped into the temple and wrung themselves out. "Well, here we are. Stone Tower Temple. Let's have a look around."

They poked their heads in and out of corridors and rooms, not finding much of anything until they heard voices from somewhere in the temple. They traced the voices through rooms until they peered in on a group of gibdos all huddled in a circle, holding cigarettes, around King Dodongo's skull. "Hey, how'd they get that all the way up Stone Tower?" Tatl hissed angrily.

One of the gibdos put the cigarette close to his mouth but, because of the bandages, couldn't do any more than that. "I got some news from the brothers down in Ikana. They said they sent a real underground firecracker our way. 'Course, that was before the redeads attacked them…I just hope that, wherever they went, they have artisan coffee and organic milk."

Tatl felt a pang of guilt, but not really. "Oh. How about that."

"That's okay though," The gibdo said. "We still have the ultimate Undergrounders upstairs." Tatl's ears perked up. The gibdo continued. "As long as they don't go mainstream, we'll be fine."

"You're right. They're the coolest, most anti-conformist beings the world doesn't know about. They introduced me to that band, the Steaming Deku." All the gibdos nodded in agreement. "And then there was that time that they revealed that huge stash of weed in the Woods of Mystery, except it was guarded by those poser cult monkeys. Totally not cool. I heard that some witch tried to break into their stash…but she never made it out again. The Man got her."

Tatl jabbed Link in the side. "Link. They love you. Go ask them about those ultimate Undergrounders. Maybe if we can kill the head hipsters, we can get all of them to go away."

Link looked up at Tatl miserably and shook his head. "GO!"

Link shuffled out into the midst, sniffling. At first the gibdos stared, then they started to clap. Tatl got out her barf bag. "It's the little rebel the Ikanians were talking about! Oh, man, we have so much to learn. Listen, I found out that my cigarettes were made from pesticide-treated tobacco, so I started rolling my own. THAT'S fresh." Link heard vomiting sounds from the other room and plunked himself down amongst the fawning gibdos. Another one of the gibdos tried to snap his fingers but sort of failed and said "OH! You have GOT to meet our leaders! They are the coolest creatures you'll ever meet! They are so anonymous and underground…you'll love them. I bet they could show you music you've never even dreamed of hearing before. Like this record, Goron in a Swamp. It's so ironic I can't stand it."

Link stood up as if ready to go and they all pointed out one of the doors. "Go past our collection of Pabst Blue Ale bottles and turn right. You should see this puddle of quicksand up ahead. Jump into it. You don't have to be scared. The only people who should be scared of that quicksand are cookie-cutter posers. Not you."

"That's a LOT of ale," Tatl remarked a few minutes later as they passed a mountain of Pabst Blue Ale bottles. "And I thought the Zoras were drunks. Oh wait, the gibdos don't get drunk…they get 'ironically tipsy.' How droll."

The pit of quicksand was anticlimactic as it was just what the gibdos had promised-a pit of quicksand. Link held his nose and jumped in, followed by Tatl. When they opened their eyes, they were in a different place altogether.

oOoOo

_Yay! Full steam ahead!_


	14. To the Moon

_Yeah. Just read it and review._

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: To the Moon

Tatl and Link found themselves in a large open desert. Boulders of various sizes were strewn about and a strong wind whipped sand in their faces. There was no sign of life to be found—no birds, snakes, or even desert beetles. Link found himself sinking slowly into the soft sand and so waded to a large stone platform covered in undecipherable markings. Tatl looked around and frowned. "Where are we?" Link shrugged and fanned himself with the Zora mask.

The ground rumbled beneath their feet. The two started and looked at each other. "What was that? You felt that, right?" Link nodded. Another rumble shook the platform. "Can anyone hear me?" Tatl yelled into the vast sandy expanse.

"We can," A massive, booming voice said from behind. The heroes turned around and gasped. Two enormous freaking Moldorms, flying centipede-like insects, had poked their heads out of the sand and were staring at Link and Tatl with their unnerving six eyes. The insects were each at least a hundred and fifty feet long, sheathed in rock-hard exoskeleton. Large curved pincers extended from beside their eyes. One was dark blue and the other purple-ish red. Both were very intimidating. Link gave up immediately and sat down. Tatl, quivering a bit, waved hello. "Are you the firecracker the gibdos were telling us about?" One of the monsters asked, clicking its pincers.

Tatl pointed to Link. "He's your man. Right there. Not me. Him." Link's eyes widened and he gulped.

The fantastically large monsters approached, then leaned their giant heads over the platform to look at Link. "You don't look like a firecracker."

"Hey, don't talk about my boyfriend like that!" Tatl flew up in one of the worms' faces. "He's MY little firecracker." Link raised his hand to ask a question, a what-the-hell look on his face, but was hushed by the indignant fairy.

"Oh, gosh. Young love. Sorry." The worms retreated a few feet. "Allow us to introduce ourselves. I'm Twin and this is Mold. Together, we are known as Twinmold."

Tatl flew back to land on Link's hat. "You don't really seem like hipsters."

"Look, see, we believe that we can enjoy things like sepia-toned photographs and organic cotton just like the next person without basing our entire identity off of it. Also, we strongly believe in respecting everyone's lifestyles, regardless of whether or not they are similar to our own."

"Wow," Tatl said after a moment. "A couple of honest, down-to-earth beings in this world. You're the first I've met! I didn't know such a thing could exist! I think I could get along with you."

Even without mouths, the two worms seemed to smile. "It's hot out here. Would you two like something to drink?"

"Is it free-range chai latte tea?"

The worm chuckled. "Only if you want it."

"I'll take water."

One of the worms disappeared below the sand, then reappeared bearing a tiny tray laden with human-sized cups. Tatl wondered how the giant worm was able to grab such a small cup and also why they had them in the first place. No matter. "You two seem like you've had an arduous journey. Tell us all about it."

Tatl and Link (mostly Tatl) recounted their adventures in Termina, leaving out questionable parts like the Dodongo Massacre, the death of the Goron child, Romani being kidnapped, and blowing Pamela's house to powder. The worms nodded at the appropriate places and seemed to enjoy the tale until Tatl got to the part about the redeads in Ikana Castle. "Wait. You let the redeads out?" They asked, alarm in their voices.

"Well, technically _I _didn't let them out. The door was already open."

"This is very distressing." Twinmold looked at each other. "Last time that happened, they ate half of clocktown before Louie and Greg could corral them back into the castle."

"Are they really that dangerous?"

"Absolutely. They'll eat every creature in Termina if they are able!"

Tatl twiddled her thumbs. "Oh. Well, maybe the King will take care of them."

"YOU LET HIM OUT TOO? But he'll use the Wind Waker to flood the entire world!"

"Well, technically _we_ didn't let him out. I mean, the door was already open. And you shouldn't believe everything you hear about wind wakers."

"OH SWEET BABY DIN, NO!"

Tatl and Link, now feeling slightly chastised, squirmed around and fiddled with their water glasses. "Oh. Huh. Well, at least you seem to be pretty safe in this desert-thing."

The worms shook their gargantuan heads. "Not at all! We're only four hundred yards away from the castle!"

"Oh."

_Auuughuuugh._

Silence. Twinmold sank a little deeper in the sand.

_Aughhuhhghhuh. _Redead moans began to echo off of the rocks nearby.

Tatl chuckled guiltily. "Heh, heh, well, it's been real, it's been fun, and it's about to get real fun. So we will be going now."

"Wait! This is where Termina makes its last stand! You must join with us and fight against the evil you have unleashed!"

"Look, I already told you that I didn't really let them out, the—" Her sentence was cut off by the sudden advancement of hundreds of redeads who had popped out from among the boulders. They ignored Tatl and Link and instead headed straight for Twinmold. One of them winked at Link as they passed. Tatl was creeped out. "Why is everyone always winking at us? Do we have a sign on our backs saying 'wink at me?'" One of the redeads shook Link's limp, unconscious hand. The boy wonder had fainted at the appearance of the reanimated corpses. "Hey! Hands off the boyfriend! I don't care if you're dead, you don't touch Link!" She poured the rest of her water on Link's face, waking him, and dragged him away toward the pit of quicksand from which they had emerged.

At the edge of the pit, she turned around and watched the redeads swarm Twinmold, reducing them to bits of exoskeleton and one big mask-like face. Really, it was such a shame. They were nice worms. But, you know, redeads have to eat, too. It's the circle of life if you think about it. Turning their backs on the carnage, they dove into the quicksand and popped back out in Stone Tower Temple. The atmosphere was eerily quiet.

Walking back towards the entrance, they passed the room where the gibdos were huddled, silent. There was no talk of tea, cigarettes, coffee, or Kokiri labor factories. "Ah, glorious silence," Tatl sighed, floating happily out the entrance to the Temple.

Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. "We've gone everywhere Tael said," Tatl commented. "What are we supposed to do now?" She thought hard and shook her head. "I have no idea. Let's go ask Tael."

To the chagrin of the two adventurers, it was now raining so hard that Link was now floating in ten feet of water once they climbed down the Stone Tower. Tatl chuckled guiltily again and held the cheatbook over her head as she flew, keeping herself relatively dry. Link donned the Zora mask and together they swam out of the Canyon. Wreckage from Pamela's house floated on top of the water. Once in Termina Field, they saw the Tokkuri Buzzard sitting on the tip of a tree, which was poking out of the water. It looked miserable. Good. Tatl gave it a stern look as she floated by. It squawked.

Clock Town was surrounded by tall walls that were built to withstand flooding, though perhaps not flooding of this magnitude. The water had nearly reached to the top of the walls and was close to pouring over the top and engulfing the bowl-shaped town. Inside the walls, the residents were scattering around, panicking. Tatl and Link hopped down over the wall and moseyed their way on to the Clock Tower. As they walked, they noticed signs posted on the walls. After passing a few, Tatl stopped to take a closer look. "Hey, look, it's your face!" Link examined the posting. Indeed, it was his face. Underneath were the words: WANTED FOR GENOCIDE OF THE DODONGOS. Beside that sign was another sign. Darmani's face stared off of it, beneath which were the words: WANTED FOR MURDER OF GORON ELDER'S SON. Beside that was another sign, bearing Mikau's face. WANTED FOR CHILD ASSAULT AND DODGING OF CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. Finally, a fourth sign was posted beside the other three. Beneath Link's Deku face, it read: WANTED FOR SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY.

"Uh." Tatl looked at Link, who was properly ashamed. "Yeah, you oughta be ashamed of yourself. You and all of your genocide, murder, illegitimate children, and suspicious activity." To avoid any awkward confrontations with the townsfolk and the long arm of the law, they hurriedly made their way to the Clock Tower and climbed it. As they watched, water poured over the top of the walls and completely flooded the town, reaching about halfway up the Clock Tower. Looking over the serene waters, Tatl felt reflective and thought back to her life. "What is right and wrong? Am I a moral person?" She sat in Link's lap and the pair waited until…

**-Night of the Last Day-**

**-6 Hrs Remain-**

As there was no one left alive to shoot off fireworks, the door to the top of the Clock Tower opened anticlimactically. They walked up the stairs and once again, faced the terrifying, multicolored face of the Skull Kid. Beside him floated Tael, who glowed purple in the dark. "God, what did you do to this place?" Skull Kid asked, looking around at all the water-soaked destruction, truly shocked. "You're putting my wickedness to shame. What's the matter with you?" Link shrugged. "You know what? I was mad at you for getting in the way of my world destruction plans, but I'm not anymore. Now I just kind of respect you. I'm still going to kill you though."

"Tael!" Tatl yelled. "What do we do now? We went to the four places like you told us!"

Tael floated out in front of Majora. "Play the song!"

"What song?"

"THE song!"

"WHAT song?"

"You didn't learn THE SONG?"

"WHAT SONG?"

Tael kind of drooped. "Um, I don't really know. I didn't learn it. You have to wake up the four who are sleeping."

"What for?"

"THE four!"

"Yeah, but what for?"

"AHHHH!" Tael launched himself at Tatl, who launched herself back. The two became entangled in a fierce mid-air battle. Link and the Skull Kid looked at each other awkwardly. Link, deciding to go ahead and try to wake up The Four, pulled out his ocarina and tootled a few notes. Nothing happened. He tootled a few more notes, realized he liked the sound of his own ocarina, and continued tootling.

Suddenly four giants appeared, one for each cardinal direction. They were mostly legs with large red faces and green beards atop. Two long arms extended from their sides. They waded through the water up to the Clock Tower and bellowed, "Who is making that godawful racket? Stop!" Link stopped, saddened that not everyone enjoyed his beautiful music. "And who let the Ikana King out and flooded the world?!" The water was up to their knees now.

Skull Kid pointed at Tatl. Tatl, who had finished fighting with Tael, growled in the back of her throat. "Look, quit saying that this is my fault! _I _ didn't let anyone out, the door was ALREADY OPEN!"

The giants all looked up and noticed that the moon was right above their heads. "What the…? Whose fault is this?" Everyone pointed to Skull Kid. "We leave you for a couple millennia and this is what you do? Gosh." The four on top of the Clock Tower looked down at their respective feet. "And now I bet you want us to fix it for you, huh? Just give us the Boss Remains and we'll fix it."

"What Boss Remains?"

"YOU DIDN'T GET THE BOSS REMAINS? What have you been doing this whole time?"

Before anyone could answer, the Skull Kid fell to the ground. The Majora's Mask was vibrating strongly and caused his body to twitch. Then, it lifted him limply off the ground and threw him to the side, levitating by itself in the air. **"A puppet that can no longer be used is mere garbage. This puppet's role has just ended."**

"Uh, what?" Tatl looked at the mask. "You're alive?" A long tendril of light extended down from the moon's mouth and lifted the mask into the moon itself. The moon's eyes glowed red.

"**I will consume…consume…consume everything."**

The giants looked at Link. "Well. Go fight him!"

Link looked at Tatl. "Oh hell no. I ain't goin' up there," she replied.

"I'll go!" Tael yelled, flying beside Link. "I…I feel that I shouldn't always be running away. If I had been stronger…the Skull Kid wouldn't have…"

"Yeah, alright. You go ahead," Tatl said, wiping her forehead in relief. The giants bent down to peer at her sternly. "What? What? ALRIGHT FINE, I'LL GO." She knocked Tael out of the way and floated beside Link's head. "You're really stupid, did you know? But come on, boyfriend, let's go kick some Majora butt. Or something."

"Wait, when did you become her boyfriend?" Tael asked Link. Link shrugged. The light pulled the green-clad hero and his fairy companion up into the sky and into the yawning mouth of the moon.

"So…do you think they'll come back?" Tael asked the giants hopefully.

The giants looked at each other. "Nah. But then again, they are very small. Maybe they have a chance. Let's not be hasty."

oOoOo

_Two more chapters to go, folks. Will all end well? Probably not._


	15. Everyone is Distracted by Boobs

_Finally, our six-year journey is nearly complete._

_We've laughed, we've cried, we've seriously reconsidered our lives._

_We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have._

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Everyone is Distracted by Boobs

Before Link even opened his eyes, he felt a gentle breeze flowing across his skin, ruffling his hair. Tendrils of sunshine warmed him through his tunic and he felt oddly at peace. Finally looking around, he discovered that he and Tatl had been placed at the bottom of a green, grassy hill on a clear day. Grass-filled plains extended as far as he could see. The only inconsistency in the landscape was the hill in front of him, which was topped by a large tree with wide spreading branches and big, oval leaves. "Well this is unexpected," Tatl commented, flying in a circle to get a full view of their location. "Where's Majora's mask? Are we even in the moon?"

Link shrugged and started up the hill. He was tired from all of their shenanigans and sorely needed a rest. Wearily he plopped himself down in the shade under the tree's branches and became introspective. How had he come to this point in his life? Had he become a better person for all of his adventuring? What would life have been like if he'd stayed in the Kokiri Forest like all of his old friends, giving his rupees to Mido and playing hide-and-seek with Saria? _Yes_, Link thought, taking a deep breath and filling his lungs with clean air. _I think I've finally done it. I've finally embraced my manhood and become who I was meant to be. After all I've seen, nothing could scare me now. I have nothing to fear but fear itself._ Something moved to his left. He turned his head and found himself face to face with Majora's mask.

Tatl heard a shrill, womanly scream and flew to the source of the ruckus as fast as she could. Link was trembling in front of the tree trunk, pointing his sword at a red-headed child wearing Majora's mask. "Hey, you, kid, where'd you get that mask? It's evil. You should probably take it off."

The child turned to look at the new arrival. "Your friends…what kind of…people are they? I wonder…do these people…think of you…as a friend?"

Tatl didn't answer for a second, taken slightly aback as she was. Finally she faced Link. "Well? You're the man, you answer the kid. How do you think of me? Where is this relationship going? My biological clock is ticking, you know."

Link felt a covering of sweat blossom on his skin. How were you supposed to answer that? It was a lose-lose situation. In the end, he said nothing, which also was the wrong answer. Tatl drooped, her glow dimming. "I knew it. You're just like all the other men. My ex-boyfriend wouldn't commit either."

"What makes you happy?" The kid spoke again. "I wonder…what makes you happy…does it make…others happy, too?"

Tatl gave a good think to this question. She thought about the flooded Clock Town, the Dodongo corpses near the mountain, and the bright red of the Keaton's blood. Those things all made her happy. "I refuse to answer that on moral grounds." she answered defensively.

The child sighed. "The right thing…what is it? I wonder…if you do the right thing…does it make…everybody…happy?"

An image of the goron child greedily sucking on the poisoned lollipop filled Tatl and Link's minds. "I mean, technically we didn't _know_ it was poisoned," Tatl mused aloud. The child looked at her questioningly and she shut her mouth. Another image, of the dead wolfo outside of the Snowhead Temple. "How were we supposed to know it would suddenly get all hot and stuff? Who engineered that stupid building?" Then, a replay of Link booting the tadpoles off the platform in front of Lulu made an appearance. "He definitely did not kick it hard enough to give it a concussion. I mean, a bruise probably, but not a _concussion_. What kind of wimp tadpoles did that fish-chick birth anyway?" Anger flared in her mind. "Why are you asking us all this crap? I don't want to think deeply! I want to fight and kill things!"

"Your true face…what kind of…face is it? I wonder…the face under the mask…is that…your true face?"

"Well what's _your_ true face, shrimp?" Tatl tore off the mask covering the child's face and immediately fell out of the air in terror. The sheer horror of what lay beneath consumed Tatl and Link like a monster from their childhood nightmares. Link started to cry and Tatl threw the mask back at the kid. "PUT IT BACK ON FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUT IT BACK ON!" The child did so and the three of them sat under the tree wordlessly for a while. It was an awkward time.

The child seemed like it had another question to ask, but appeared to decide against it. Tatl felt bad for what had just transpired and so offered her hand to the mask-wearing creature. "Look, I'm sorry about that. That was uncalled for. Hey, you…I dunno…wanna play a game or something?"

"Yes, I want to play a game…how about the Game of Life?"

"Yeah, that sounds—"

"AND DEATH."

"Uh."

The world went all twisty, which disoriented Link and Tatl greatly. It untwisted to show them that they had been placed in a plain, dark room with one single door on the far wall. The walls were a mix of dark, strange colors and patterns, as was the floor. The pair approached the door, but right as Tatl stretched out her hand to open it, Link grabbed her arm and stopped her. "No. This task I must undertake alone," he said. "You must stay behind."

Tatl blinked at him. "You can talk?"

Link looked at her strangely, perplexed at the very notion of him being able to talk. He shook his head violently.

"What do you mean 'you know I'm sensitive about my mutism, why would you bring that up?' You just…you just said…ah, screw it. Go in there and mute him to death, why do I care?"

Link, feeling that his companion was being very rude towards his disability, turned away and bravely marched into the room. The door sealed behind him, but he felt unusually unafraid. Before him, Majora's mask floated in mid-air, tentacles dripping from its underside. This was his moment. His time had come. His weapon was sharp, his legs were tensed, and his mind was agile. He would not be defeated. No, this time _he_ would be the conqueror. _Carpe diem._ A glorious scenario played out in his head, one in which he emerged from the room drenched in Majora's blood (?) and carrying a notched but faithful sword.

In reality, Majora shot a lightning bolt that felled him in one hit. He wormed his way over to a corner and pulled out his bow and arrows to fire at his adversary, who dodged them easily. When his arrows were spent, he pulled himself to his feet and charged full-on at the macabre mask. It was time to embrace destiny.

oOoOo

Meanwhile, Tatl was sitting in the waiting room, listening to the sounds of battle mixed with the smooth jazz of the IndiGo-Go's piano solos and flipping through some Gossip Stone Weekly subscriptions that she'd found on a small coffee table. This not being in battle stuff was for the birds. "WHAT? Princess Zelda got liposuction? But she's only twelve! What are they FEEDING her? Kids these days…" She turned a page.

oOoOo

The war raged on in the garishly-colored battle room. Majora blasted Link off his feet with a well-aimed bolt of energy. Exhausted, Link put on the Deku mask, transformed, and struck a karate stance, complete with the "come hither" finger beckon. Majora stopped for a moment, then guffawed mask-ishly and shot another energy beam at him, turning him right back into a human. The Deku mask fell to the ground, rent in two. Link stared at his broken mask, picked up the pieces, and chucked them at Majora.

One of the mask halves struck the villain square in the face (?) and knocked it to the ground, where it flopped around like a demented marine animal. Link rushed in and stabbed it with his sword, then did a happy victory dance.

Behind him, the mask rose again, sprouting arms, legs, and one small eye.

oOoOo

Tatl had long since grown bored of the Gossip Stone Weekly (which was probably rubbish anyway.) To stave off her growing desire to nap, she pulled out the cheatbook, now warped and puffy from the water it had absorbed on its trip from the canyon to Clock Town. She rifled through the pages, looking for anything interesting to catch her eye. When nothing did, she decided to try a few cheats just for the heck of it. I mean, what harm could it do to Termina now?

"Link's Gender-Bending Easter Egg Glitch Technique. That sounds kinky." She pulled out her witching-stick and followed the command on the page. "Up, down, left, left, down, ONNANOKONIHENKOU!" Nothing happened. She shrugged and kept looking.

oOoOo

Link was having a bad time. He'd never been any good at athletics and simply could not keep up with this new incarnation of Majora. It ran around the room at high speeds and rammed into him from all directions, constantly knocking him off his feet and onto the floor. All of a sudden, he felt pretty, oh-so pretty. His body felt different; it felt smaller, lither, and more graceful. He looked down at himself, but his view was obstructed by two large mounds sprouting off of his chest. He poked them. They were squishy. He giggled. So distracted was he that he completely forgot that he was in the midst of a very heated battle for…glory or honor or something.

Luckily for him, Majora was also very distracted by the sudden changes that had befallen Link's body. It couldn't figure it out. Not two minutes ago it was sure that it had been fighting a young boy. Was it a girl the whole time? Did the two suddenly switch places? Had it forgotten to lock the door? What was happening? It was so distraught that it fell to the ground, wrapping its spectral arms around its bony legs.

Link finally snapped out of it and came to himself enough to recognize that Majora was in the midst of some sort of debilitating panic. He readied his sword and hacked at the creature until it shrieked.

He backed away, waiting for it to change form once again. He was not disappointed. A monster grew from the mask, brandishing two wicked whips. Link gulped. This was going to suck a lot.

oOoOo

Tatl was now at the very back of the book in the "misc." section of cheats. What was this? "Majora's Wrath Teleportation Cheat? That sounds promising!" She read the short blurb about it. _Banish Majora to a far away land not even in your own dimension! _"Hey, I like that! I'll be able to get Link back faster! But, wow, this is a pretty complicated one."

oOoOo

As he had predicted, girl-Link was riding the Struggle Bus. He was down to his last five hearts, having used all the fairies in his hat. He had been whipped, buffeted, beaten, battered, and thumped. His arms hurt. His legs hurt. His back hurt. His coccyx hurt. This was the true life of a hero and he realized that he hated it. Gathering what little strength he had left, he raised his sword and rushed Majora in a final blaze of undying courage.

oOoOo

"Finally, I've got the combination down." Tatl cleared her throat and fist-thumped her chest. She shook her witching-stick in different directions, seeming to do a little dance. "Majora no TEREPOROTUDESUUUU!" With the final syllable ringing in the still air, she slammed the stick into the ground, where it shattered. Once this cheat was done, it could not be undone.

Half a minute passed, then the door creaked open beside her. Girl-Link emerged, glowing in the triumph of victory. His tunic was torn in many places and blood stains were evident, but none of this marred the proud way he held his head and the elegance with which he clutched his sword to his side. Tatl jingled over to his side. "Link! It's over! It's OH MY GOD YOU HAVE BOOBS." Link looked down at himself and leered, bouncing them up and down with his hands. Watching them bounce, Tatl felt suddenly inadequate as a girlfriend. "What are those, C's? Oh, come on!" Link bounced his eyebrows up and down.

"But, what happened in there?"

What had happened was this: girl-Link had charged Majora with everything he could muster and, right as he swung, Majora had disappeared thanks to Tatl's Teleportation Cheat. Link, of course, did not know this and thought that he had finally killed the boss himself; he had finally become a real man (which was ironic because he was a woman at the time.) Neither of them knew where Majora had gone, nor did they care because it wasn't their problem anymore.

The womanly pair embraced as the world brightened to white. When they were able to see again, they were back on top of the Clock Tower. Termina was still flooded (the water had almost reached the top of the Clock Tower by now) and, aside from the vanquishing of the mask, nothing had changed. The giants were genuinely shocked to see them again. "Whoah, you actually beat Majora? Well, we, we don't know what to say. We were all down here taking bets about just how dead you would be when Majora returned you. This is awkward." The giants all pulled out massive sacks of rupees and gave them to Tael. "You win fair and square, little friend."

Tael, now a millionaire, threw his arms up in the air. "Woohoo!"

"Hey, don't we get a cut of that? We defeated the thing, after all! Link has a wedding ring to buy!"

Everyone looked at Link strangely. "When did you get boobs? I swear those weren't there before…" The giants peered at him far too long. "Whatever the case, Termina outlawed gay marriage. You killed all the progressive Dodongos, gibdos, and Twinmold that were trying to change that." They scratched their beards pensively. "I guess we could turn you back if you wanted us to." They steepled their fingers and looked wisely into the distance.

Link clutched his breasts unhappily. He was really quite fond of them now. "Yes, please!" Tatl implored, tired of bemoaning her role as President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

The giants worked their giant magic and restored Link's rightful gender to him. All was as it should be. It had turned out for the good of all of them, except the ones who were dead. But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying 'til you run out of cake. And the battling gets done and you have a lot of fun for the (granted, few) people who were still alive.

oOoOo

_Stay tuned for the epilogue!_


	16. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

Before the giants left, they had one final request (demand) of Link and Tatl. "Look. The water will recede in a few centuries and we'll be able to work on restoring the inhabitants. But you guys gotta go. Like, now. You could not possibly have messed up this world any more than you already have. But knowing the pair of you, anything's possible. So please, just go. Go back to your home worlds."

"But this is my home world," Tatl explained.

The giants looked at each other. "Leave. Leave now and never come back. Please." Above their heads, the Tokkuri buzzard flew frantically, its perch now underwater. "I mean, look at the buzzard. Really, guys?"

Tatl and Link agreed that this was for the best. Link put on his Zora mask and the two dove under the water, entering the door at the base of the Clock Tower. The Happy Mask Man floated face down at the top of the room, surrounded by his masks. "This isn't how I figured this would end," Tatl remarked, staying as far away from the creepy figure as she could.

At the top of the Clock Tower, which had now been overrun with water, the giants shooed Tael away. "You go with them."

"What? Why?"

"You're related to HER. We don't trust you."

"Oh."

Link and Tatl found the original room across which they had chased Majora when they first came to Termina, then found the portal back to Hyrule. Taking deep breaths, they swam through it. Link cast off the mask when they arrived in the Lost Woods, enjoying the familiar smell of Hyrulian flora. "This is it," Tatl said, still happy despite their banishment from Termina. "This is the start of our new lives!"

Tael puffed up behind them, dragging his multiple huge bags of rupees. "It's hard being in the one percent," he said, breathing heavily.

Tatl turned back to Link. "Are you ready to explore the future together as a couple? Just you and me? And Tael…"

Link looked at her eager face and decided that maybe, just maybe, a future with her wouldn't be so terrible. They could visit all the corners of Hyrule together, sit by Lake Hylia and sip Lon Lon Milk, take vacations to Death Mountain…and maybe, one day, have a quiet little cottage in Kakariko Village. They could grow old and be buried together in Kakariko Graveyard. He would have to marry her and grandfather her in to Hyrulian citizenship because of its strict immigration requirements, though. Not too big of a deal.

He reached for her hand, but was interrupted by a cry from behind him. "LINK! Hey! Listen!" His head snapped around and he stared into the trees. A blue orb floated closer and was revealed to be none other than his beloved companion, Navi. He slow-motion ran to her and they leaped into each other's arms. "Oh, Link! I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Tatl watched the scene with growing alarm. "Wait, what. What is this? NAVI? SKANK Navi? _This_ is who you were looking for the whole time, Link? NAVI?"

Navi ignored her and clutched Link's finger. "Link! Something terrible has happened! Hyrule has been burned to the ground! A monstrous mask-creature suddenly appeared in the middle of Hyrule Field and started razing the whole land! Hyrule Castle has been seized! Zelda is dead! Mido is dead!"

Link shrugged.

"Saria is dead!"

Tears flowed down Link's cheeks and he fell to the forest floor, racked with sobs. "I know this is hard to bear Link, but we must team up to defeat this new evil! It'll be just like old times."

"Wait, I played sloppy seconds to this blue atrocity? Link, I didn't know you were a whore! Come back to me and I'll forgive you! Remember our happy future and life? What about the house in Kakariko? I'd keep the Cuccos away for you!"

Link dropped Navi's hands and walked over to Tatl. He shook her hand vigorously, patted her on the head, and dropped a low bow, thanking her for her participation in their Terminian adventures. "What do you mean 'thank you?' What's all this about 'it never would have worked out anyway?' I saved your butt countless times in Termina! I…I OWN you! You can't just leave!"

Navi sighed and tossed her long hair. "Gosh, Tatl, just let it go. Why are you such an angry fairy?"

"YOU! First you steal my ex-boyfriend and now you steal Link from me? I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU! AND YOUR FAMILY!"

Link rejoined Navi and together they walked, hand-in-fairy-hand, towards the exit of the Lost Woods, already planning their next adventure. And just as quickly as Navi had appeared, she and Link were gone.

Tatl just floated there. "Link! LINK! GET BACK HERE! LINK!"

Tael whistled, counting his rupees. "Sucks to be you, Sis. But you know what they say: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Tatl looked far into the distance, a resolve building in her chest. This wasn't how it was ending. Not this time. Far away, she heard a jingle and a small _Hey, Listen! _She took a deep breath and bellowed to the trees "NAVI! IF I EVER FIND YOU I'LL RIP YOUR HEART OUT YOU SON OF A—"

The End

_And with that, folks, it's over. _

_Thanks for reading! Please drop us a review if you feel so inclined and tell us how it makes you feeeeeeeeeel. _


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